So last night I had my first improv class in many many years!! Since my second quarter at PC I've been wanting to take some improv classes at a place called Dad's Garage here in Atlanta, but my PC schedule as always taken precedence over my love for improv! But now, thanks to Sunday night classes, I am back in the game.

I can tell this class is going to be MUCH MUCH better then one I took in DC. The DC crowd is just too stuck up and conservative for the likes of my comedic mind. Everyone at Dad's is totally on board for my inappropriate commentary and awkward timing. This class will definitely be a true compliment to the PC work load!

In other news, I was selected to go up to NYC for the Art Director's Club of New York annual portfolio review!! I'll be heading up at the beginning of May--woo hoo!!!

Never go to Starbucks without your headphones!

This afternoon, around 4:30, I ventured out to Starbucks in hopes of buckling down and focusing on my type & image book. I lasted a good four hours of straight type setting and image placement fun. However, these four hours did not go without some noteworthy observations! I should mention, that all of the following observations could've gone unnoticed, had I remembered my headphones!

At around 7:00 a homeless man sat down across from me. He kept to himself but just starred through me. I wouldn't have minded as much if he hadn't smelled so bad. But, it wasn't too intolerable. I actually think he may have been entertained by my expressive facial responses to the frustration I felt while working on the book. I understand that's a pretty narcissistic thing to think, but what can ya do! The oddest thing about this man, was that he looked like my old therapist from VA. I swear, if old therapist was homeless, he would look JUST like this man. It was odd.

Perhaps the MOST noteworthy thing of the evening was the gathering of 5 loosely aquatinted individuals who sat behind me at the handicapped table. They were all pretty socially retarded, at seemed to have probably met via craigslist. They "broke the ice" by exchanging quotes from the second Austin Powers movie --"do I make you randy babey?"--and they all laughed. Loudly. They continued to talk over each other as if this Friday night was the most human interaction any of them had all week. I'd been more annoyed with them, if I wasn't so familiar with this plight. They eventually focused their conversing to board games of the past, and how much they loved them. This conversation lasted about 45 minutes, and seemed to have covered every single board game from UNO to Hungry Hungry Hippos. Then, a latecomer to the group arrived. She was a woman who was probably in her late thirties to mid forties? I assumed she was single--I assumed they were all singe! She surprised the group (and the entire Starbucks) with the board game of the evening: OPERATION. As the presentation of the board game continued, I began to connect their dots: This was their weekly social event: Friday night board games at the local Starbucks. I'll admit, I could relate a bit to the group, as I don't really go out much on the weekends, as I usually spend my time with my school projects. By the end of my time at Starbucks, I was ready to smash that fucking board game through each and every one of their faces. As the game intensified, so did the volume of their sad victorious cheers.

By 9:45, I had packed up my laptop and was on my way out the door. Don't get me wrong, I have played many a board game on the weekends throughout the past year. They usually involved alcohol and my own set of rules. But nothing like I experienced at Starbucks on Friday night!

My gay soapbox

For one of my classes this quarter I have to develop a 30,000 word book on any topic of my choice. I've decided to do my book on homosexuality. The point of the book is to give gay men a healthier approach to their sexuality. I choose this topic because I think that self-hatred and internal homophobia is a reoccurring theme in the lives of many gay men in America. Today's social climate can easily be said to be "more accepting" of homosexuality then ten years ago. While this may be true, I believe there is a lot more work to be done if gay men ever want to be viewed as more than just a bunch of silly fashion experts parading around with rainbow flags. In other words, I think there is a true chance that gay men and women can be eventually looked upon as an "us" rather than a "them".

One could argue that shows like Will & Grace and Queer Eye For the Straight Guy have worked wonders for the gay community, by putting them in public view and pulling them out of the proverbial closet. While there is truth to this statement, I don't think it's enough. These shows simply took existing stereotypes within the gay community, repackaged it, and sold back to audiences. I"ll admit, that as I was going through my own coming out, I felt an odd obligation to these stereotypes. I think many gay men lack the ability to fully develop their identity because their sexuality becomes the strongest, most influential part of their personal development.

A few months ago I went to a local gay bar in Atlanta with a bunch of friends. My friend M and I looked around the bar and she made a very relevant observation: all the guys seem to look and act the same. In this one observation she totally pin pointed the most frustrating thing I feel about the gay "community". There are so many gay men out there who simply haven't developed themselves past their sexuality, and, as a result have seemed to completely loose who they are as people. I know many many men who "suffer" from this, and they eventually end up resenting the gay community and lamenting the whole bar scene.

It's been my experience that the gay community is really only a community if you follow certain guidelines and stereotypes. Stereotypes that seem to be set by a fraction of gay men, yet reinforced and perpetuated by the masses--both gay and not gay. The result for those who do not fit this criteria is often pushed into further isolation from other gay guys, or "cornered" into a different "category" of this community we call gay. For example, there is a whole "BEAR" culture that exists within the gay community. You could easily describe a "bear" of a guy to be somewhat overweight and hairy--hence the term "bear". Then you have the antithesis of this in what is referred to as a Twink in the gay community. A twink is a slim guy raging from 18-23 years old, has bleached blond hair, 0% body fat as well as 0% body hair. Most bears and most twinks don't really get along (at least in my experience). I never quite understood why these two group of guys don't get along. But it happens. A LOT!

It's because of these ridiculous social dynamics within the gay community that leads me to believe there's got to be a healthier way to be gay. It doesn't have to be about who fits in where and on what terms. In my opinion, being part of a gay community should be about being there for one another when other people in your lives can't be there for you. It should mean that you can turn to the gay community for help and support when the rest of the world can't quite relate to your personal struggles. It shouldn't mean that we further divide ourselves into categories and further alienate ourselves from one another. I like to think that if the gay community was able to be more open to each other, then maybe we wouldn't have the suicide rate that we have. And maybe guys would think twice before using crystal meth or any other drug for that matter. And finally, it could mean that we could all simply be ourselves, without feeling like we have to fit into some bullshit category.

It's hard enough to be openly gay in our world today. But it's even harder to be gay within the gay community.

There really isnt't a good title for this one...

PREFACE: I've had a little bit to drink tonight....

I love nights like tonight. As cliched as it may sound, I feel like I'm on the verge of a new great phase of my life--there have been so many!!! But right now, tonight, I love being at school, and I love all the people I've met and the bonds that have been formed. There's truly nothing like it. So often, I look back on the first day that we were all crammed into one room. We sat as complete and total strangers. I never thought that I would come to love so many people in one room! Maybe it's because these people see me the same way I see myself. Or maybe it's because the last year has been a year of complete awakening and everything just looks better through these lenses! Regardless of the reason, I have met some completely amazing people here at school.

I find myself now at the beginning of my sixth quarter. This happened so quickly. It's amazing what you can accomplish in one year. I can only imagine what will happen this year. It's like I have a much more clear, defined idea of what I want my life to be after this is all said and done. Not only do I know what I want it to be, but I feel like I have the tools and the talent to make it happen. The odd thing is that it doesn't seem so far out of reach. It's like sometimes I see it in other people. And I look at them and think that I am on my way to living that.

As I get reacquainted with my life in Atlanta, it's impossible not to reflect on the past decade that got me to where I am today. It's all a combination of the some of the best and absolute worst decisions I've ever made. What's weirder is that spending time in Virginia over the break afforded me the opportunity to physically revisit the birthplace of said decisions! I spent an afternoon in Richmond--where I spent most of my undergraduate days. There's an allure to that city that's hard for many to pass up. It's small, quaint, and extremely affordable. But it's fraught with limits and narrow-minded attitudes. I describe much of my experience in Richmond to be dark, cold, and lonely. To revisit the city as the person I am today turned out to be so haunting. I have absolutely no desire now to return to that city. I eventually made it back up to Northern VA. It's about 2 hours north of Richmond, but is clearly worlds away. The same haunting feeling rushed back as I drove past my old office and my old apartment. Such sadness. Being back up in Northern VA again only solidified in my mind that I will never have to live there again. I know not why I feel the need to bring this up, but as I mentioned in my preface--I've had a bit to drink tonight!

I bought a new area rug for my workspace today. I completely love this rug. It's taken me a year to justify this purchase. I know if my father were to find about this new purchase I would never hear the end of it! That's why if/when he comes to visit, I'll have to tell him it's my new roommate's rug! But this rug is awesome. It's 100% wool. And as weird as it may sound, the way I feel tonight can be equated with the way it feels to walk across a brand new rug in new socks. There's such a soft comforting feeling that you get. And it'll only last for a little while. So you had better take notice, or it will pass right over you. And be lost forever.

Please excuse the ugly color palate!! In the middle of updating the blog, I was called away to help with some usless chore before I depart!

Vacation...

Let's see, now that I'm averaging about one blog entry a month, there seems to be a lot to recap. I'm sitting in a local coffee shop in Fredericksburg, VA. To my left is a small family of four. They're sipping their oversized lattes while snacking on their Pepperidge Farm Cookies, which they've "snuck" into the coffee shop--the way my friends and I used to sneak junk food into a movie. They're reading from the Bible, while the homeless man to my right struggles to keep his eyes open. Oh wait, he's not homeless, just dirty. I'm not sure what his deal is. All I know is that when I asked him if I could please plug my laptop into the outlet behind his feet, he didn't understand what I was asking, and unnecessarily removed himself from the seat, while I went about my task.

Ahh, yes. Fredericksburg. I love to hate this town. I sometimes think of this town as the place where possibilities go to die. The town has so much potential to be a great little place, complete with real downtown shops where you can buy things you actually need. I can see stores like Banana Republic and GAP lining the historic streets of the town, but disguised with aged columns, and heavy doors. But instead, they just have antique stores lining the streets, with the occasional bar or restaurant stuck between everything. The demographics of the area aren't compatible with the target market for Banana Republic or GAP. The local shopping mall has just removed Express from its line up. Golf courses have been converted into strip malls that compete for space with the new-construction neighborhoods. There only real place to buy things is a little dream the lcoals call "Central Park". This former golf course is now a paved grid littered with stop lights and SUVS. You have your pick of 30 different chain restaurants and "specialty stores" like TOTAL WINE or the Big Screen TV store. They have a store selling only batteries, or just vitamins. I find it very annoying and gross.

It's always a bit exhausting whenever I visit VA. There's just so much personal history to this place. There's like an entire decade's worth of struggles everywhere I look. It's sometimes hard for me to maintain my current state of mind while navigating through everything. But I guess that's just the way it is.

Apple

Okay, so I'm going out on limb and blogging about my roommate (again!) For the sake of "preserving" his reputation, Let's just refer to him as Apple (the same way Gwyneth Paltrow refers to her baby)!

So Apple has been camping out on the couch for like the past 4-6 weeks. And when I say camping, I mean stretched out on the couch from about 4:00 in the afternoon to about 11:30 the next morning. Now, I've fallen asleep on the couch numerous times, most of which were a result of alcoholic indulgences and maybe boredom, so I totally understand an occasional bed-vacation on the couch. However, Apple would fall asleep on the couch, wake up, walk upstairs, retrieve his pillow-comforter combo, and return to the couch to make a night out of it. This probably wouldn't bother me as much if I weren't such a fucking morning person! I thought this roommate dynamic may work because our natural time schedules are opposite--in other words, he's a night person and I'm a morning person. So by default, we would rarely see each other. But when these two time-table worlds collide, someone is bound to get their feelings hurt. And my god--did they ever!

Last week, I had enough of tip toeing around so as to not disturb his invasive slumber! I went about my 8:00 AM routine as if he were not loudly snoring on the couch. I successfully woke up him up while unloading the dishwasher, thus making my passive aggressive intentions known. For the record, I've attempted to discuss his odd sleeping habits so that I may understand them, and maybe work around them. These conversations don't typically get very far. To put it bluntly, Apple is pretty dumb. And that's the nicest way I know to put it. By about 10:00 AM I'm on my second cup of coffee and well into my itunes mix of the hour. As apple pounded away on his laptop, I poured over ideas of how to fix this cushion-crushing situation so that both parties involved are happy. And then...a revelation: We'll move his TV into his room. This solution, while not ideal, has remedied similar roommate conflicts in the past. We could create a retreat for him, a new world, an oasis!! So I perked my shaved little head up, turn to dumb-apple and pitch my idea to him.

His head shot up within my first spoken syllable. As he starred at me blankly (which may just be his natural relaxed look) I could feel my optic nerves start to shutter as if my stare was burning a hole into his forehead! He attempted to explain why he continues to sleep on the couch. He started with "well, it's not the TV that keeps me on the couch..." Without thinking or even understanding what was happening, he completely turned the conversation around to recount the events from the day before that led to his couch-camping.

With one solid thought, I finally realized that he doesn't understand why I'm talking to him about his sleeping habits. He has confused my curiosity with interest. To him, this conversation was an opportunity for him to share his life with me. To me this conversation was a bullet in my head, or rather, the head of the roommate dynamic I tried in vein to preserve. I knew what I had to do. I didn't want to do it. Apple is fragile, needy, and sensitive. He knows not of his awkwardness, or inappropriate behavior. But I had to make a choice: preserve the integrity of my environment and crush his hope of he and I becoming best friends forever or continue to listen to his pointless mind-numbing stories and vent my frustrations later over dinner with friends!?

I choose to preserve the integrity of my environment and crushed his hope of finding everlasting friendship in this little apartment world. After listening to him go on about nothing, I walked over to the couch and pretended to discover that the couch cushions, where he once slept so peacefully, had been disproportionally crushed by his massive body weight. I quickly adopted an innocent yet amused demeanor as I pointed out the obvious crushed cushion. He delivered in his defense yet another blank stare. My optic nerve pulsated, and without thought, I exclaimed "IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH TOO MUCH!!!" He immediately became flustered and he examined the cushions. I just continued to stare. He looked straight into my eyes and could feel the contempt I had been harboring for the past 4 months melt the skin off his face. I felt like I was controlling his movement with my mind as he quickly tried to gather is comforter and pillow. Tripping over his feet and his words he confessed, "no more sleeping on the couch..." I poured another cup of coffee, sat down at my desk, and breathed a guiltily sigh of relief. The kind of sigh you breath after shooting an animal in the head to put it out of its misery and end its suffering.

It's been almost a week now since our little confrontation. It's almost amusing how quickly our apartment world changed. It reminds me of the final scene in Far and Away when Joseph and Shannon finally claim their plot of land, after fighting off the evil Stephen! The dynamic of the apartment now favors the dynamic I had with my father growing up. We used to walk on eggshells around him so as to not piss him off and get into an argument. But in this case, I've become my father. I manipulated the situation so that I remain in a controlling position within the apartment.

Apple now keeps to himself and stays in his room. Last night, as I was indulging in the 5th season of Six Feet Under, he literally crawled under the television so that he wouldn't hinder my viewing pleasure. This awkward behavior is a perfect example of how Apple's mind operates. He meant well, but just executed his intention is the most irritating and uncomfortable way possible. So I am left feeling good and guilty. Good because, now I know I can keep my work flow in tact, but oh so guilty because I was unable to solve this problem with the diplomacy and sensitivity that Apple so desperately needs.