For one of my classes this quarter I have to develop a 30,000 word book on any topic of my choice. I've decided to do my book on homosexuality. The point of the book is to give gay men a healthier approach to their sexuality. I choose this topic because I think that self-hatred and internal homophobia is a reoccurring theme in the lives of many gay men in America. Today's social climate can easily be said to be "more accepting" of homosexuality then ten years ago. While this may be true, I believe there is a lot more work to be done if gay men ever want to be viewed as more than just a bunch of silly fashion experts parading around with rainbow flags. In other words, I think there is a true chance that gay men and women can be eventually looked upon as an "us" rather than a "them".
One could argue that shows like Will & Grace and Queer Eye For the Straight Guy have worked wonders for the gay community, by putting them in public view and pulling them out of the proverbial closet. While there is truth to this statement, I don't think it's enough. These shows simply took existing stereotypes within the gay community, repackaged it, and sold back to audiences. I"ll admit, that as I was going through my own coming out, I felt an odd obligation to these stereotypes. I think many gay men lack the ability to fully develop their identity because their sexuality becomes the strongest, most influential part of their personal development.
A few months ago I went to a local gay bar in Atlanta with a bunch of friends. My friend M and I looked around the bar and she made a very relevant observation: all the guys seem to look and act the same. In this one observation she totally pin pointed the most frustrating thing I feel about the gay "community". There are so many gay men out there who simply haven't developed themselves past their sexuality, and, as a result have seemed to completely loose who they are as people. I know many many men who "suffer" from this, and they eventually end up resenting the gay community and lamenting the whole bar scene.
It's been my experience that the gay community is really only a community if you follow certain guidelines and stereotypes. Stereotypes that seem to be set by a fraction of gay men, yet reinforced and perpetuated by the masses--both gay and not gay. The result for those who do not fit this criteria is often pushed into further isolation from other gay guys, or "cornered" into a different "category" of this community we call gay. For example, there is a whole "BEAR" culture that exists within the gay community. You could easily describe a "bear" of a guy to be somewhat overweight and hairy--hence the term "bear". Then you have the antithesis of this in what is referred to as a Twink in the gay community. A twink is a slim guy raging from 18-23 years old, has bleached blond hair, 0% body fat as well as 0% body hair. Most bears and most twinks don't really get along (at least in my experience). I never quite understood why these two group of guys don't get along. But it happens. A LOT!
It's because of these ridiculous social dynamics within the gay community that leads me to believe there's got to be a healthier way to be gay. It doesn't have to be about who fits in where and on what terms. In my opinion, being part of a gay community should be about being there for one another when other people in your lives can't be there for you. It should mean that you can turn to the gay community for help and support when the rest of the world can't quite relate to your personal struggles. It shouldn't mean that we further divide ourselves into categories and further alienate ourselves from one another. I like to think that if the gay community was able to be more open to each other, then maybe we wouldn't have the suicide rate that we have. And maybe guys would think twice before using crystal meth or any other drug for that matter. And finally, it could mean that we could all simply be ourselves, without feeling like we have to fit into some bullshit category.
It's hard enough to be openly gay in our world today. But it's even harder to be gay within the gay community.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Monday, January 07, 2008
There really isnt't a good title for this one...
PREFACE: I've had a little bit to drink tonight....
I love nights like tonight. As cliched as it may sound, I feel like I'm on the verge of a new great phase of my life--there have been so many!!! But right now, tonight, I love being at school, and I love all the people I've met and the bonds that have been formed. There's truly nothing like it. So often, I look back on the first day that we were all crammed into one room. We sat as complete and total strangers. I never thought that I would come to love so many people in one room! Maybe it's because these people see me the same way I see myself. Or maybe it's because the last year has been a year of complete awakening and everything just looks better through these lenses! Regardless of the reason, I have met some completely amazing people here at school.
I find myself now at the beginning of my sixth quarter. This happened so quickly. It's amazing what you can accomplish in one year. I can only imagine what will happen this year. It's like I have a much more clear, defined idea of what I want my life to be after this is all said and done. Not only do I know what I want it to be, but I feel like I have the tools and the talent to make it happen. The odd thing is that it doesn't seem so far out of reach. It's like sometimes I see it in other people. And I look at them and think that I am on my way to living that.
As I get reacquainted with my life in Atlanta, it's impossible not to reflect on the past decade that got me to where I am today. It's all a combination of the some of the best and absolute worst decisions I've ever made. What's weirder is that spending time in Virginia over the break afforded me the opportunity to physically revisit the birthplace of said decisions! I spent an afternoon in Richmond--where I spent most of my undergraduate days. There's an allure to that city that's hard for many to pass up. It's small, quaint, and extremely affordable. But it's fraught with limits and narrow-minded attitudes. I describe much of my experience in Richmond to be dark, cold, and lonely. To revisit the city as the person I am today turned out to be so haunting. I have absolutely no desire now to return to that city. I eventually made it back up to Northern VA. It's about 2 hours north of Richmond, but is clearly worlds away. The same haunting feeling rushed back as I drove past my old office and my old apartment. Such sadness. Being back up in Northern VA again only solidified in my mind that I will never have to live there again. I know not why I feel the need to bring this up, but as I mentioned in my preface--I've had a bit to drink tonight!
I bought a new area rug for my workspace today. I completely love this rug. It's taken me a year to justify this purchase. I know if my father were to find about this new purchase I would never hear the end of it! That's why if/when he comes to visit, I'll have to tell him it's my new roommate's rug! But this rug is awesome. It's 100% wool. And as weird as it may sound, the way I feel tonight can be equated with the way it feels to walk across a brand new rug in new socks. There's such a soft comforting feeling that you get. And it'll only last for a little while. So you had better take notice, or it will pass right over you. And be lost forever.
I love nights like tonight. As cliched as it may sound, I feel like I'm on the verge of a new great phase of my life--there have been so many!!! But right now, tonight, I love being at school, and I love all the people I've met and the bonds that have been formed. There's truly nothing like it. So often, I look back on the first day that we were all crammed into one room. We sat as complete and total strangers. I never thought that I would come to love so many people in one room! Maybe it's because these people see me the same way I see myself. Or maybe it's because the last year has been a year of complete awakening and everything just looks better through these lenses! Regardless of the reason, I have met some completely amazing people here at school.
I find myself now at the beginning of my sixth quarter. This happened so quickly. It's amazing what you can accomplish in one year. I can only imagine what will happen this year. It's like I have a much more clear, defined idea of what I want my life to be after this is all said and done. Not only do I know what I want it to be, but I feel like I have the tools and the talent to make it happen. The odd thing is that it doesn't seem so far out of reach. It's like sometimes I see it in other people. And I look at them and think that I am on my way to living that.
As I get reacquainted with my life in Atlanta, it's impossible not to reflect on the past decade that got me to where I am today. It's all a combination of the some of the best and absolute worst decisions I've ever made. What's weirder is that spending time in Virginia over the break afforded me the opportunity to physically revisit the birthplace of said decisions! I spent an afternoon in Richmond--where I spent most of my undergraduate days. There's an allure to that city that's hard for many to pass up. It's small, quaint, and extremely affordable. But it's fraught with limits and narrow-minded attitudes. I describe much of my experience in Richmond to be dark, cold, and lonely. To revisit the city as the person I am today turned out to be so haunting. I have absolutely no desire now to return to that city. I eventually made it back up to Northern VA. It's about 2 hours north of Richmond, but is clearly worlds away. The same haunting feeling rushed back as I drove past my old office and my old apartment. Such sadness. Being back up in Northern VA again only solidified in my mind that I will never have to live there again. I know not why I feel the need to bring this up, but as I mentioned in my preface--I've had a bit to drink tonight!
I bought a new area rug for my workspace today. I completely love this rug. It's taken me a year to justify this purchase. I know if my father were to find about this new purchase I would never hear the end of it! That's why if/when he comes to visit, I'll have to tell him it's my new roommate's rug! But this rug is awesome. It's 100% wool. And as weird as it may sound, the way I feel tonight can be equated with the way it feels to walk across a brand new rug in new socks. There's such a soft comforting feeling that you get. And it'll only last for a little while. So you had better take notice, or it will pass right over you. And be lost forever.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Vacation...
Let's see, now that I'm averaging about one blog entry a month, there seems to be a lot to recap. I'm sitting in a local coffee shop in Fredericksburg, VA. To my left is a small family of four. They're sipping their oversized lattes while snacking on their Pepperidge Farm Cookies, which they've "snuck" into the coffee shop--the way my friends and I used to sneak junk food into a movie. They're reading from the Bible, while the homeless man to my right struggles to keep his eyes open. Oh wait, he's not homeless, just dirty. I'm not sure what his deal is. All I know is that when I asked him if I could please plug my laptop into the outlet behind his feet, he didn't understand what I was asking, and unnecessarily removed himself from the seat, while I went about my task.
Ahh, yes. Fredericksburg. I love to hate this town. I sometimes think of this town as the place where possibilities go to die. The town has so much potential to be a great little place, complete with real downtown shops where you can buy things you actually need. I can see stores like Banana Republic and GAP lining the historic streets of the town, but disguised with aged columns, and heavy doors. But instead, they just have antique stores lining the streets, with the occasional bar or restaurant stuck between everything. The demographics of the area aren't compatible with the target market for Banana Republic or GAP. The local shopping mall has just removed Express from its line up. Golf courses have been converted into strip malls that compete for space with the new-construction neighborhoods. There only real place to buy things is a little dream the lcoals call "Central Park". This former golf course is now a paved grid littered with stop lights and SUVS. You have your pick of 30 different chain restaurants and "specialty stores" like TOTAL WINE or the Big Screen TV store. They have a store selling only batteries, or just vitamins. I find it very annoying and gross.
It's always a bit exhausting whenever I visit VA. There's just so much personal history to this place. There's like an entire decade's worth of struggles everywhere I look. It's sometimes hard for me to maintain my current state of mind while navigating through everything. But I guess that's just the way it is.
Ahh, yes. Fredericksburg. I love to hate this town. I sometimes think of this town as the place where possibilities go to die. The town has so much potential to be a great little place, complete with real downtown shops where you can buy things you actually need. I can see stores like Banana Republic and GAP lining the historic streets of the town, but disguised with aged columns, and heavy doors. But instead, they just have antique stores lining the streets, with the occasional bar or restaurant stuck between everything. The demographics of the area aren't compatible with the target market for Banana Republic or GAP. The local shopping mall has just removed Express from its line up. Golf courses have been converted into strip malls that compete for space with the new-construction neighborhoods. There only real place to buy things is a little dream the lcoals call "Central Park". This former golf course is now a paved grid littered with stop lights and SUVS. You have your pick of 30 different chain restaurants and "specialty stores" like TOTAL WINE or the Big Screen TV store. They have a store selling only batteries, or just vitamins. I find it very annoying and gross.
It's always a bit exhausting whenever I visit VA. There's just so much personal history to this place. There's like an entire decade's worth of struggles everywhere I look. It's sometimes hard for me to maintain my current state of mind while navigating through everything. But I guess that's just the way it is.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Apple
Okay, so I'm going out on limb and blogging about my roommate (again!) For the sake of "preserving" his reputation, Let's just refer to him as Apple (the same way Gwyneth Paltrow refers to her baby)!
So Apple has been camping out on the couch for like the past 4-6 weeks. And when I say camping, I mean stretched out on the couch from about 4:00 in the afternoon to about 11:30 the next morning. Now, I've fallen asleep on the couch numerous times, most of which were a result of alcoholic indulgences and maybe boredom, so I totally understand an occasional bed-vacation on the couch. However, Apple would fall asleep on the couch, wake up, walk upstairs, retrieve his pillow-comforter combo, and return to the couch to make a night out of it. This probably wouldn't bother me as much if I weren't such a fucking morning person! I thought this roommate dynamic may work because our natural time schedules are opposite--in other words, he's a night person and I'm a morning person. So by default, we would rarely see each other. But when these two time-table worlds collide, someone is bound to get their feelings hurt. And my god--did they ever!
Last week, I had enough of tip toeing around so as to not disturb his invasive slumber! I went about my 8:00 AM routine as if he were not loudly snoring on the couch. I successfully woke up him up while unloading the dishwasher, thus making my passive aggressive intentions known. For the record, I've attempted to discuss his odd sleeping habits so that I may understand them, and maybe work around them. These conversations don't typically get very far. To put it bluntly, Apple is pretty dumb. And that's the nicest way I know to put it. By about 10:00 AM I'm on my second cup of coffee and well into my itunes mix of the hour. As apple pounded away on his laptop, I poured over ideas of how to fix this cushion-crushing situation so that both parties involved are happy. And then...a revelation: We'll move his TV into his room. This solution, while not ideal, has remedied similar roommate conflicts in the past. We could create a retreat for him, a new world, an oasis!! So I perked my shaved little head up, turn to dumb-apple and pitch my idea to him.
His head shot up within my first spoken syllable. As he starred at me blankly (which may just be his natural relaxed look) I could feel my optic nerves start to shutter as if my stare was burning a hole into his forehead! He attempted to explain why he continues to sleep on the couch. He started with "well, it's not the TV that keeps me on the couch..." Without thinking or even understanding what was happening, he completely turned the conversation around to recount the events from the day before that led to his couch-camping.
With one solid thought, I finally realized that he doesn't understand why I'm talking to him about his sleeping habits. He has confused my curiosity with interest. To him, this conversation was an opportunity for him to share his life with me. To me this conversation was a bullet in my head, or rather, the head of the roommate dynamic I tried in vein to preserve. I knew what I had to do. I didn't want to do it. Apple is fragile, needy, and sensitive. He knows not of his awkwardness, or inappropriate behavior. But I had to make a choice: preserve the integrity of my environment and crush his hope of he and I becoming best friends forever or continue to listen to his pointless mind-numbing stories and vent my frustrations later over dinner with friends!?
I choose to preserve the integrity of my environment and crushed his hope of finding everlasting friendship in this little apartment world. After listening to him go on about nothing, I walked over to the couch and pretended to discover that the couch cushions, where he once slept so peacefully, had been disproportionally crushed by his massive body weight. I quickly adopted an innocent yet amused demeanor as I pointed out the obvious crushed cushion. He delivered in his defense yet another blank stare. My optic nerve pulsated, and without thought, I exclaimed "IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH TOO MUCH!!!" He immediately became flustered and he examined the cushions. I just continued to stare. He looked straight into my eyes and could feel the contempt I had been harboring for the past 4 months melt the skin off his face. I felt like I was controlling his movement with my mind as he quickly tried to gather is comforter and pillow. Tripping over his feet and his words he confessed, "no more sleeping on the couch..." I poured another cup of coffee, sat down at my desk, and breathed a guiltily sigh of relief. The kind of sigh you breath after shooting an animal in the head to put it out of its misery and end its suffering.
It's been almost a week now since our little confrontation. It's almost amusing how quickly our apartment world changed. It reminds me of the final scene in Far and Away when Joseph and Shannon finally claim their plot of land, after fighting off the evil Stephen! The dynamic of the apartment now favors the dynamic I had with my father growing up. We used to walk on eggshells around him so as to not piss him off and get into an argument. But in this case, I've become my father. I manipulated the situation so that I remain in a controlling position within the apartment.
Apple now keeps to himself and stays in his room. Last night, as I was indulging in the 5th season of Six Feet Under, he literally crawled under the television so that he wouldn't hinder my viewing pleasure. This awkward behavior is a perfect example of how Apple's mind operates. He meant well, but just executed his intention is the most irritating and uncomfortable way possible. So I am left feeling good and guilty. Good because, now I know I can keep my work flow in tact, but oh so guilty because I was unable to solve this problem with the diplomacy and sensitivity that Apple so desperately needs.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Breathe Easy Baby!
So as maybe four of you know, I have been struggling with craft and general bookbinding. But it seems this struggle, at its root, comes from a flawed thought process where I direct frustration and anger within myself, thus complicating the process.
Tonight, during my bookmaking, I joked that I have to breath through my mistakes to prevent myself from overreacting and feeling generally shitty. But it's really not a joke. I've found that with every slip of my ruler or air bubble I find, I really do need to breath through it and it simply becomes more manageable, an in turn somewhat therapeutic. Tonight, after class I feel generally good and optimistic that this looming cloud of bad craft is slowly drifting away (how's that for wordiness!)!!
On another note, I have my first hot-yoga class tomorrow at 9:30!! I'm very excited about this supplement to my existing workout routine. I've heard great things about the class and look forward to the exhaustion!
Tonight, during my bookmaking, I joked that I have to breath through my mistakes to prevent myself from overreacting and feeling generally shitty. But it's really not a joke. I've found that with every slip of my ruler or air bubble I find, I really do need to breath through it and it simply becomes more manageable, an in turn somewhat therapeutic. Tonight, after class I feel generally good and optimistic that this looming cloud of bad craft is slowly drifting away (how's that for wordiness!)!!
On another note, I have my first hot-yoga class tomorrow at 9:30!! I'm very excited about this supplement to my existing workout routine. I've heard great things about the class and look forward to the exhaustion!
At long last....
Alright, here they are...the first two books I've made this week. After all the bitching and moaning:
So, I went through about 400 pieces of paper to get 8 sheets that were cut accurately and folded perfectly. Before I glued, the book was pretty perfect. After I glued, it messed some things up. But I'm taking into class with me, and will be analyzing the craft work CSI style! I do feel less intimidated by the book making process than I did last week when I started. It's only been a week, but I can tell my heart is in the right place, and I will get better. However, if anyone has any gluing tips, please pleas please pass them along!
So, I went through about 400 pieces of paper to get 8 sheets that were cut accurately and folded perfectly. Before I glued, the book was pretty perfect. After I glued, it messed some things up. But I'm taking into class with me, and will be analyzing the craft work CSI style! I do feel less intimidated by the book making process than I did last week when I started. It's only been a week, but I can tell my heart is in the right place, and I will get better. However, if anyone has any gluing tips, please pleas please pass them along!
Friday, October 12, 2007
Pissed Off
I am so fucking frustrated I could just scream!
I had my first class in book making last night. We made an accordion fold book. It wasn't as hard as I thought. But since I have spent the last fucking 6 + years of my life avoiding all things creative, I do not have a viable skill set to save my life. That said, I thought it would be a GREAT idea for me to try to make another book just like the one I did last night. Thinking, of course, that the more I do this the easier it'll get. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. The more I do this the angrier and more frustrated I get. For those of you who say that bookmaking is soothing and relaxing, I invite you to spend a few hours in my head, and I assure you'll find that it's all but soothing and relaxing.
As I sit down to even write this blog, I can see and hear the disappointment of my last critique panel as they try not to vomit all over my pathetic attempt at a clamshell box (of which I made FIVE of to try to get it right!!!). I know that as a 5th quarter designer my weak craft is pretty much a sin, as if making a poorly crafted box in your 5th quarter can easily be equated with taking a shit right in the middle of church. This shit comes soooo much easier to everybody else in my quarter. Those who were fortunate enough to embrace their creative side at an early age and cultivate into what it is today can pull shit out of their ass and make a perfectly bound book out of it. It's like for every step they take forward, I have to work twice as hard to just get to where they are, and I seldom feel as though I am on par with them. And I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people, especially people who have been doing this a hell of a lot longer then me. But in this PC culture, I can't help but feel like a lesser designer because I can't fucking glue two sheets of paper together without fucking it up.
I had my first class in book making last night. We made an accordion fold book. It wasn't as hard as I thought. But since I have spent the last fucking 6 + years of my life avoiding all things creative, I do not have a viable skill set to save my life. That said, I thought it would be a GREAT idea for me to try to make another book just like the one I did last night. Thinking, of course, that the more I do this the easier it'll get. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. The more I do this the angrier and more frustrated I get. For those of you who say that bookmaking is soothing and relaxing, I invite you to spend a few hours in my head, and I assure you'll find that it's all but soothing and relaxing.
As I sit down to even write this blog, I can see and hear the disappointment of my last critique panel as they try not to vomit all over my pathetic attempt at a clamshell box (of which I made FIVE of to try to get it right!!!). I know that as a 5th quarter designer my weak craft is pretty much a sin, as if making a poorly crafted box in your 5th quarter can easily be equated with taking a shit right in the middle of church. This shit comes soooo much easier to everybody else in my quarter. Those who were fortunate enough to embrace their creative side at an early age and cultivate into what it is today can pull shit out of their ass and make a perfectly bound book out of it. It's like for every step they take forward, I have to work twice as hard to just get to where they are, and I seldom feel as though I am on par with them. And I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people, especially people who have been doing this a hell of a lot longer then me. But in this PC culture, I can't help but feel like a lesser designer because I can't fucking glue two sheets of paper together without fucking it up.
Monday, October 08, 2007
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Can't F-ing sleep!
About two hours ago I had a violent nightmare. I've been wide awake staring out of my window--fully alert and completely unable to sleep. I can't recall the nightmare, but it scared me awake. So instead of just watching my clock tick until the alarm goes off, I figured I'd make good use of the time and blog.
The quarter started up again. Boy did it ever. Those who know the PC experience know that you don't know your class schedule until the quarter starts. After you get your schedule, then you can start negotiating which classes you want and which ones you don't want. Before you start to negotiate with the powers that be, you have to first negotiate with yourself. I'm sure that's part of the reason why I'm unable to sleep. My schedule this quarter is HEAVY. I know I need to drop a class, but can't figure out which one. Logically, I know I should to attend each class, and then make my decision based on the information that I get. But I'm so paranoid and anxious about this quarter, that I feel like I need to know exactly what's going on from the start.
It's officially been a year now since I've been at PC. I still know I made the right decision to come down here and do this. But starting the second year has intensified things. We're all more serious, we all have a new set of skills to work with. It's like we're coming out of training and stepping up to the plate, ready to give our a A-game. As I picked up my schedule and recounted the highlights of the break, I noticed a subtle sense of confidence that everyone in my quarter has now. It was kind of humorous to hear the students from the quarters below me ask about the classes that I've already been through. It's like I can offer advice now. It's a great feeling, but also a bit odd, as I know I have more to learn and more to perfect.
I thought it may be a good idea to post some of my favorite pieces of work from the past year. But then I realized that I hadn't pulled everything off my external hard drive that I wanted to post. And since it's like 4:00 in the morning, and I'm still actually laying in bed in hopes of maybe napping before my alarm goes off. I'll post what I have:
From second quarter: Parts of my comic book--for Intro to design history:
From 3rd quarter: roost covers--publication design/ roost is a magazine that I came up with to celebrate living in small spaces--spreads to be posted soon!
There are a few things missing that are worth posting.... but for now, this is it.
The quarter started up again. Boy did it ever. Those who know the PC experience know that you don't know your class schedule until the quarter starts. After you get your schedule, then you can start negotiating which classes you want and which ones you don't want. Before you start to negotiate with the powers that be, you have to first negotiate with yourself. I'm sure that's part of the reason why I'm unable to sleep. My schedule this quarter is HEAVY. I know I need to drop a class, but can't figure out which one. Logically, I know I should to attend each class, and then make my decision based on the information that I get. But I'm so paranoid and anxious about this quarter, that I feel like I need to know exactly what's going on from the start.
It's officially been a year now since I've been at PC. I still know I made the right decision to come down here and do this. But starting the second year has intensified things. We're all more serious, we all have a new set of skills to work with. It's like we're coming out of training and stepping up to the plate, ready to give our a A-game. As I picked up my schedule and recounted the highlights of the break, I noticed a subtle sense of confidence that everyone in my quarter has now. It was kind of humorous to hear the students from the quarters below me ask about the classes that I've already been through. It's like I can offer advice now. It's a great feeling, but also a bit odd, as I know I have more to learn and more to perfect.
I thought it may be a good idea to post some of my favorite pieces of work from the past year. But then I realized that I hadn't pulled everything off my external hard drive that I wanted to post. And since it's like 4:00 in the morning, and I'm still actually laying in bed in hopes of maybe napping before my alarm goes off. I'll post what I have:
From second quarter: Parts of my comic book--for Intro to design history:
From 3rd quarter: roost covers--publication design/ roost is a magazine that I came up with to celebrate living in small spaces--spreads to be posted soon!
There are a few things missing that are worth posting.... but for now, this is it.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Car of the week: Audi A4
So I've been slacking off with the car of the week. My apologies to the three people that read my blog.
That said, this week's car of the week is the Audi A4. I have LOVED this car since I first went with my parents to test drive one back in 1997. I have a very clear memory of being at the well appointed Audi dealer in Palm Springs, CA. There was a beautiful woman that worked as a salesperson at the dealer. As they pulled the Champagne colored A4 in front of us, the woman smiled at me and said "this is a sharp car!" My reaction to this was "OMG, rich people use the word sharp!" Unfortunately, the A4 was way too small for a family of six. We did test drive the larger A6, but it was WAY too expensive at the time. Alas, we ended up getting a 1997 VW Passat. A much more affordable and comparable sedan to the A4. (The original body style of the A4 shared the same platform with the 97 VW Passat) Sigh.
But I digress. It wasn't until 2000 that an Audi A4 Quattro appeared in the front driveway of my parents house. But it was my older sister's car. No joke, I used to stand in front of the car just taking in the soft beautiful lines of the design. I'd walk around the perimeter of the car to see how many pieces of sheet medal were used, and how they fit on the car. The interior wasn't my choice, as it lacked the life-altering wood trim. But she loved that it didn't have wood trim. The one drawback that I see with the Audi A4, is the amber glow of the interior dashboard lights. I cannot stand this. It pretty much ruins the car for me. I'd prefer a clean white light, similar to that of the interior glow on the latest Honda Accords. Or even (possibly) the yellow glow that Mercedes-Benz uses in their cars. I've pretty much alienated myself from all of the Audi enthusiasts out there by suggesting using styling cues from MB or...*gasp* Honda...... but I stand by my suggestion. I just don't know that I can get passed the red amber.
Here's a visual history of the Audi A4 from its inception in 1994 to the latest 08 Model. You may also enjoy more personal opinions of each redesign!
1995-2001
2001-20005
THIS IS MY FAVORITE BODY STYLE to date! I LOVE how they took the soft lines of the previous generation, and made them more aggressive and sharp. If you look closely at the 2002 Passat, they have similar front fascia lines around the headlights! Beautiful!
2004-2007
HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT. It looks like a pig.
2008-present
They recovered nicely from the previous generation. I sat in one the other day when I went to pick up the VeeDub from the dealer. VERY nice. This design has renewed my love for the Audi A4. (However, there is a slight design flaw in the interior of the 08 A4: When the parking break is up, the center console cannot be completely down. It's as if they were trying to fit a 3 foot wall into a 2 foot space. Not cool Audi. Not Cool.)
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Cocktail Party Personna: A Personal Revelation
In the wake of my fourth quarter, I have discovered a little something about myself. I was debating for a while if I should blog about this. But I'm finding that the more I talk about it with friends and family, the easier it gets, and the more real if feels. So here it goes.
I finished my fourth quarter last week. And so ends an entire year at the Portfolio Center. I feel okay. Well...okay isn't really a feeling. I feel disappointed. Disappointed in myself. I've realized that for this whole year, I haven't been 100% honest with my work. Don't get me wrong, all the work that I've done is all mine. But I haven't been putting 100% of myself in my work. In short, I've been holding back, keeping a safe distance from my work. This same mentality is true for a lot of things in my life. Friendships, relationships, performance at work, keeping my room clean, things like that. I've realized that I really put up a "cocktail party persona" most of the time that I'm out and about, be it at school, in most classes, or even when I'm at a party. For the past year, I've been designing with this cocktail party persona in mind. And it has shown in most of my work. I think I've gotten lucky with a few cool projects. But on a whole, I know I'm holding back, and I'm hiding behind this cocktail party persona.
I've blogged a few times about how I haven't had a real relationship in seven years, going on eight now. And I think I've finally figured out why. Fear. I am so scared to be who I really am. There's a big part of me that's actually homophobic. A lot of the time, I feel like people are uncomfortable being around the gay guy, so I feel like I have to make it okay for everyone to be around me by making self-depricating jokes, or just being a caricature of myself. It's truly exhausting to do that all the time. In fact, I've done it so much, that I've actually lost sight of who I really am. To be honest, without that persona, it's so hard to be who I really am. I think I come across as generally friendly and up beat, fun to be around and things like that, which are good things to be. But I fool myself into thinking that's how I always need to be. And in thinking this, I have taught myself to hate myself.
So it's with this discovery in mind, that I go into my second year at Portfolio Center. I feel like now it's time to get serious, and truly give my organic self to my work. I can't say that I won't assume that cocktail party persona. I think it'll take some time before that goes away completely. But the only way I know to make that go away, is to be truly honest with myself and with other people. To do things for myself, that mean something to me. For example, I've always wanted to keep a little notebook with inspirational things in them. Like companies that I'd like to work for, or artists that I'd like to know more about. And I've never taken the time to do it. I intend to learn how to make a book like this from scratch, just for me. But for the meantime, I've purchased one from Pearl. It's not bad. It just feels flat and impersonal. One of my mini-projects for the break, is to make this little book personal.
I'm still excited about being here and being this PC world. I just think from now on, I'll be able to give myself over to the work, and to myself.
I finished my fourth quarter last week. And so ends an entire year at the Portfolio Center. I feel okay. Well...okay isn't really a feeling. I feel disappointed. Disappointed in myself. I've realized that for this whole year, I haven't been 100% honest with my work. Don't get me wrong, all the work that I've done is all mine. But I haven't been putting 100% of myself in my work. In short, I've been holding back, keeping a safe distance from my work. This same mentality is true for a lot of things in my life. Friendships, relationships, performance at work, keeping my room clean, things like that. I've realized that I really put up a "cocktail party persona" most of the time that I'm out and about, be it at school, in most classes, or even when I'm at a party. For the past year, I've been designing with this cocktail party persona in mind. And it has shown in most of my work. I think I've gotten lucky with a few cool projects. But on a whole, I know I'm holding back, and I'm hiding behind this cocktail party persona.
I've blogged a few times about how I haven't had a real relationship in seven years, going on eight now. And I think I've finally figured out why. Fear. I am so scared to be who I really am. There's a big part of me that's actually homophobic. A lot of the time, I feel like people are uncomfortable being around the gay guy, so I feel like I have to make it okay for everyone to be around me by making self-depricating jokes, or just being a caricature of myself. It's truly exhausting to do that all the time. In fact, I've done it so much, that I've actually lost sight of who I really am. To be honest, without that persona, it's so hard to be who I really am. I think I come across as generally friendly and up beat, fun to be around and things like that, which are good things to be. But I fool myself into thinking that's how I always need to be. And in thinking this, I have taught myself to hate myself.
So it's with this discovery in mind, that I go into my second year at Portfolio Center. I feel like now it's time to get serious, and truly give my organic self to my work. I can't say that I won't assume that cocktail party persona. I think it'll take some time before that goes away completely. But the only way I know to make that go away, is to be truly honest with myself and with other people. To do things for myself, that mean something to me. For example, I've always wanted to keep a little notebook with inspirational things in them. Like companies that I'd like to work for, or artists that I'd like to know more about. And I've never taken the time to do it. I intend to learn how to make a book like this from scratch, just for me. But for the meantime, I've purchased one from Pearl. It's not bad. It just feels flat and impersonal. One of my mini-projects for the break, is to make this little book personal.
I'm still excited about being here and being this PC world. I just think from now on, I'll be able to give myself over to the work, and to myself.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
It Happened Again!
While kicking ass on the treadmill this morning, listening to Madonna's "I'm Going To Tell You A Secret" live album, I was straining to sing along (out loud) while sprinting a 8.30 minute pace. All of a sudden this big muscular guy walked into the Colonial Homes workout room. I was totally caught!!!!! The only thing I could do was smile and pretend like the whole thing didn't happen!
Sadly, this isn't the first time this has happened to me! Why haven't I learned this tough lesson yet :)
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Car of the Week
My first car of the week is the 1989 Merkur Scorpio! Woo Hoo!!!!
The Merkur Scorpio was a North American version of the European Scorpio Mk. The car was offered at select Lincoln-Mercury dealerships from 1988–1990. It was offered as a luxury executive type car. However, the Scorpio was also plagued by auto transmission troubles, electrical gremlins, and a wide range of reliability issues which hurt its luxury image with consumers. The failure of the Scorpio can be blamed on the Mercury Sable, as it looked very similar, was sold on the same showroom floors, and was considerablly cheaper and just about as equipped. Ford dropped the Merkur nameplate altogether after 1989. The car continued to sell in the UK and went through several name changes and design updates.
It was my dream at one point to go overseas and buy the latest redesigned Scorpio model.
I choose it as my first car of the week because it was the first car I ever bought. I got it for $2500.00! Well technically, my dad helped me pay for half of it, but I did end up paying him back. That car saw me through some tough times during my first semester of college! I pampered that car more than anything else in my life! No joke! On the weekends, I would condition the leather, vacuum the interior, and wash the outside. I used to take an ATM card, wrap it around a paper towel, and go through every nook and cranny of the car and remove all traces of dirt. I even changed the engine coolant on my own. However, I did it in the parking lot of my school, which is actually illegal. Sadly, the car started to suffer from my love of driving it. The electrical system started to break down, and there was something terribly wrong with the front wheel axle. It eventually needed about $1500 worth of work to keep it going, and as a freshman in college I certainly couldn't afford it. So one dark night, I went online, posted an ad to sell the car, and had a "cult"-buyer contact me within one week. I sold the car for $3000. I made a quick $500.00 on the sell, but I had to give $1,000 back to my dad, and $1,000 to my mom (b/c of a phone bill I wracked up during my first months at college!!). But I got to keep $500 of it!! And bought myself a Gateway Computer!!!
A&F
So at the beginning of the quarter, Abercrombie & Fitch came to PC to present students with the opportunity to apply for an internship. We had two days to learn what the guys at A&F learned in 2 years! Needless to say it was a lot of information to take in at once. But I think as a whole, everyone did a pretty good job. Here are the shirts that I did.
Monday, August 27, 2007
This past weekend I took a little time to myself and indulged in one of my favorite movies EVER: The Transporter (1 and 2). These movies are not about the plot line or the acting. No. These movies are all about the CARS! Transporter 1 featured the 1999 BMW 750iL (however, in the movie the car is referred to at the BMW 735iL).
Transporter 2 featured the 2005 Audi A8--a very sexy car!
Watching these movies reminded me of how much I really love cars. And that got me thinking about when I first started to learn about cars:
it was 1994 and I was living in Newport, RI (one of my favorite places to have ever lived!)
I was a freshman in high school and really didn't know much about anything. One afternoon, a few of my friends and I had stayed late after school, and we were all waiting to be picked up. My good friend CJ's mom was the first to pull up. Her mom drove a very classy 1994 Jaguar XJ.
I had no idea what a Jaguar even was or what it meant. My friend had to tell me that it was a very expensive car. That's really when my awareness of cars in general began to come about. In June of 1995, we moved to Yucca Valley, CA.
One night, I was with my siblings at the local grocery store (VONS) and picked up Consumer Report's best/worst cars for 1996. I ended up buying the magazine and reading it cover to cover. This was really the first time I ever remember being completely engaged with something so intently. From there I started buying Motor Trend magazine. Eventually my mom got me a subscription to it. I pretty much had a Motor Trend magazine with me at all times. We used to have to travel all over Southern CA for my younger siblings soccer games and I would always read the MT magazine while on the road. It was exciting for me to read about the latest and greatest BMW, and then actually see one on the road!
This was also the time when I began my driver's training/education. Naturally I assumed that my parents were going to get me a car of my own. I used to read the car ads in the Sunday paper and try to convince my parents to buy me cars. The summer of my Junior year in high school, I pitched a huge fit because my parents would buy me a BMW 318ti!
It was the cheapest BMW you could buy at the time. It retailed at $19,999. And somehow, in my little mind, I thought: "well it's under $20,000! it must be affordable!" Clearly, I had no concept of money, and my parents would just laugh every time I brought it up. I used to call up car manufactures and ask for brochures. They would usually send them, and I would take them apart and hang up my favorite car pictures all over my room. I even "designed" all of my school notebooks with collages of my favorite cars.
So all of this said. I have decided to start a weekly posting called: Car of the Week. Where I will blog about whatever car I like the most for that particular week. Or whatever car I hate the most for that particular week!
Transporter 2 featured the 2005 Audi A8--a very sexy car!
Watching these movies reminded me of how much I really love cars. And that got me thinking about when I first started to learn about cars:
it was 1994 and I was living in Newport, RI (one of my favorite places to have ever lived!)
I was a freshman in high school and really didn't know much about anything. One afternoon, a few of my friends and I had stayed late after school, and we were all waiting to be picked up. My good friend CJ's mom was the first to pull up. Her mom drove a very classy 1994 Jaguar XJ.
I had no idea what a Jaguar even was or what it meant. My friend had to tell me that it was a very expensive car. That's really when my awareness of cars in general began to come about. In June of 1995, we moved to Yucca Valley, CA.
One night, I was with my siblings at the local grocery store (VONS) and picked up Consumer Report's best/worst cars for 1996. I ended up buying the magazine and reading it cover to cover. This was really the first time I ever remember being completely engaged with something so intently. From there I started buying Motor Trend magazine. Eventually my mom got me a subscription to it. I pretty much had a Motor Trend magazine with me at all times. We used to have to travel all over Southern CA for my younger siblings soccer games and I would always read the MT magazine while on the road. It was exciting for me to read about the latest and greatest BMW, and then actually see one on the road!
This was also the time when I began my driver's training/education. Naturally I assumed that my parents were going to get me a car of my own. I used to read the car ads in the Sunday paper and try to convince my parents to buy me cars. The summer of my Junior year in high school, I pitched a huge fit because my parents would buy me a BMW 318ti!
It was the cheapest BMW you could buy at the time. It retailed at $19,999. And somehow, in my little mind, I thought: "well it's under $20,000! it must be affordable!" Clearly, I had no concept of money, and my parents would just laugh every time I brought it up. I used to call up car manufactures and ask for brochures. They would usually send them, and I would take them apart and hang up my favorite car pictures all over my room. I even "designed" all of my school notebooks with collages of my favorite cars.
So all of this said. I have decided to start a weekly posting called: Car of the Week. Where I will blog about whatever car I like the most for that particular week. Or whatever car I hate the most for that particular week!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
I have a Paris Hilton song on my ipod.
Yes. Its true. Slightly shameful. But true.
I like to think that my music selection is pretty eclectic and diverse. I have everything ranging from the Bram Stoker's Dracula Soundtrack to Mary J. Blige to....well Paris Hilton. Music has always played a big role in my life. Remembering a song is like holding onto a memory. I associate ALL OF my music with something from my life. I even have certain songs that I can only listen to during a certain season. For example, Tori Amos's From The Choirgirl Hotel will forever remind me of driving my 1989 Merkur Scorpio home for my first winter break during my freshmen year of college. The connection with that album is so strong, that it can sometimes make me feel cold. It's really amazing.
So in what capacity will this Paris Hilton song have on me? Well... for starters, it currently resides in my FIFTH work out mix on the ipod. It's the second song on the playlist. The pace of the rhythm fits perfectly with the beginning phase of my work outs. It's up beat, not too clubby, and generally happy. I kid you not-- listening to this song while running, actually helps with the releasing of endorphins! The only downfall to this is if i listen to it too much, then it will loose its affect hence my on-going search for fun, not too clubby workout music. I usually have to make a new work out mix every couple of weeks to keep things interesting! Madonna has come out with some great live albums, which are REALLY fun to listen to when working out. I find the loud applause to be particularly inspiring!
Monday, August 13, 2007
If You Can't Say Something Nice About Someone...then blog about it
Okay not really...because if you do blog some bad shit about someone, I'm sure it'll come back and bite you in the ass....
But I woke up this morning just itching to blog about New Roommate. For those who don't know, my old roommate and I had to part ways, as his beautiful fiance has relocated herself and her life to Atlanta, and the three of us in one Colonial Homes Apartment (plus two cats) just wasn't going to work. So they now reside in their new apartment at Peachtree Park--complete with large kitchen, two bathrooms, and all new appliances! I have to say that despite the inconvenience of switching roommates and the changes involved in that, it's pretty cool to see how the two of them are starting their life together.
So I am now reinventing the wheel with New Roommate. I've never really had a major problem with roommates. Living up in Washington, DC with a just-out-of-college-salary required me to learn quickly how to get along and live with strangers. My favorite roommate was the guy I lived with in DC. I rented a room in his beautifully renovated townhouse for a whopping $800.00/mo (for a ROOM!) To this day, he is someone that I consider to have had a pretty positive impact on my way of thinking. He was very wealthy for starters. He made a boat load working as some type of computer program consultant, but also had a bit of blue blood in him! But you would never know it if you just saw him on the street. He lived a very "under the radar" type of life. He also helped me get a job interview up in NYC at BBDO! Turns out his ex-bf is an AE on the Mountain Dew account! He showed me the ropes of the gay-dc life. He was pretty much like an older brother to me. He now lives in Hells Kitchen in NYC.
After my stint with DC life, I switched jobs and ended up in the suburbs of DC--or "outside the grid" as some of the more pretentious dc gays refer to it.... It was here that I got a chance to live in a $1 million home. I rented a room for $775 and had my own bathroom. It was pretty nice. All of the other roommates were gay (three total), but we all pretty much kept to ourselves and had very different lives.
Then there was one of my most favorite roommate that I had when I lived in Fairfax, a place that is in the deeper part of the suburbs of DC. She and I met when I worked for the agency that I was let go from. She and I have the exact same sense of humor and got along great--which is interesting because I typically don't get along well with girls when I live with them. It's almost always ended on a bad note.
So now there is New Roommate. What can I say!? Well nothing really, because it could easily come back and bite me in the ass! But if you have further interest in getting a feel of what New Roommate is like check out the Arrested Development, and pay particular attention to Buster!
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Modern Marvels: We're All Gonna Die
I made the mistake of watching the History Channel's documentary about the prophetic end to time and the world as we know it. Complete with computer animation, ominous music, and a deep-voiced narrator, this macabre infotaining television program informed me of my own demise. My first thought: "well I guess it really won't kill me to have a Wendy's #4, no onions, with a coke because the earth will pretty much swallow me whole!" The "documentary" went on to inform me that the Mayan calendar actually stops on December 12, 2012. There is also an ancient chinese book called the I Ching (not be confused with iching) that also stops on this same date. Scientists have predicted that the earth will engage in a polar shift causing the entire inside of the earth to quake and turn. It's safe to say that after hearing about all of this I was pretty much freaked out because this would all take place when I'm 32!
Then again, there have been prophetic predictions of the world's demise for as long as stupid people are willing to believe other morons. We all remember the Y2K scare!? But to further illustrate this point, here are a list of other dates that world was supposed to have ended, according to an article in the New York Times Magazine by BENJAMIN ANASTAS (7/1/07):
Gnostics predicted the imminent arrival of God’s kingdom as early as the first century
Christians in Europe attacked pagan territories in the north to prepare for the end of the world at the first millennium
The Shakers believed the world would end in 1792
There was a “Great Disappointment” among followers of the Baptist preacher William Miller when Jesus did not return to upstate New York on Oct. 22, 1844.
The Jehovah’s Witnesses have been especially prodigious with prophetic end dates: 1914, 1915, 1918, 1920, 1925, 1941, 1975 and 1994.
I even found the "official website" of the world's end: www.december212012.com And be sure to check out the online store, where you can purchase several well designed t-shirts that say things like 12.21.12 or "Shift Happens"--I wish I could've sat in on that meeting!!! Also available on messenger bags, baseball caps, tank tops, and jersey-shirts that looks like old baseball uniforms. Unbelievable!
I can just picture some dumbass at an amusement park wearing one of these shirts and eating a giant turkey leg!
Then again, there have been prophetic predictions of the world's demise for as long as stupid people are willing to believe other morons. We all remember the Y2K scare!? But to further illustrate this point, here are a list of other dates that world was supposed to have ended, according to an article in the New York Times Magazine by BENJAMIN ANASTAS (7/1/07):
Gnostics predicted the imminent arrival of God’s kingdom as early as the first century
Christians in Europe attacked pagan territories in the north to prepare for the end of the world at the first millennium
The Shakers believed the world would end in 1792
There was a “Great Disappointment” among followers of the Baptist preacher William Miller when Jesus did not return to upstate New York on Oct. 22, 1844.
The Jehovah’s Witnesses have been especially prodigious with prophetic end dates: 1914, 1915, 1918, 1920, 1925, 1941, 1975 and 1994.
I even found the "official website" of the world's end: www.december212012.com And be sure to check out the online store, where you can purchase several well designed t-shirts that say things like 12.21.12 or "Shift Happens"--I wish I could've sat in on that meeting!!! Also available on messenger bags, baseball caps, tank tops, and jersey-shirts that looks like old baseball uniforms. Unbelievable!
I can just picture some dumbass at an amusement park wearing one of these shirts and eating a giant turkey leg!
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Blog? What Blog...
So it's been 2 1/2 months...... pretty much all of third quarter since I've blogged. It was a generally shitty quarter, and that's all I have to say about that!
Let's discuss the latest assignment in the Cross-Cultural Innovations class, or CCI--if you want to sound like a government employee, which is always fun for me!!!
So first, some back-story on the class: We have weekly assignments, and we never know what they're going to be. So far, we've had to go to a random place in Atlanta, do some ethnographic research on a classmate (MY FAVORITE!!!!), and bake a cake of our ambition. This is class is amazing! It challenges my thought process on a daily basis.
The assignment that I am currently working on now is by far the biggest and hardest, and has taken me to a place in my emotional mind that I haven't been in a long long time. Basically we have to identify our greatest fear, and come up with a way to make peace with that fear.
FEAR
So my greatest fear is the fear of rejection. Which really comes from feeling that I'm not good enough. This fear has constantly held me back in many ways. But it's affected me most in my approach to relationships, or lack there of. I always pursue relationships from the sidelines and never get into the game. That's got to be the least productive way to do anything. (and maybe one of the most cliched analogies EVER)
AN HONEST SEVEN YEARS
My father's behavior towards me growing up could easily be classified as abusive. I know that it felt like he had destroyed my soul and really taught me how to hate myself. But whenever I start thinking about this, which is happening more frequently these days, I always have to stop and remind myself that my father loves me. I say that because I know I have to. I know that his behavior wasn't malicious, or hateful. It's not like he woke up one day and said, "man I hate my kids, let's see if I can go break their spirits today"..... it just sort of happened, slowly.
If he ever got mad, or stressed out, that emotion would often turn violent or angry very quickly. He would do something to get it out, throw something, hit something, or cuss and then it would be over, and we would act as if it had never happened. For example, one night when I was a senior in high school, he wanted me to write an essay for a scholarship that was being given away by our church. The essay had to be about what God means to me and how religion has influenced my life. I remember thinking that God really didn't mean much to me--it was my father's version of religion that was forced fed to me to the point that it stopped having meaning, and eventually became a chore. It was never about feeling spiritual. So I told him that I wasn't going to write it. He got mad, we both started yelling, and he ended it by slamming my back into the thermostat in the hallway. I don't know if he knew that's what he had done. But he was angry, he had to get it out, so he did. And then went on like nothing had happened.
So the past seven years have been about rebuilding myself and changing the inner dialog I have from my father's voice to my voice. Not a lot of people know this about me. My family knows the least about it. It's hard. And it's because of this rebuilding of myself, that I haven't felt that being in a relationship was the right thing. I've been re-establishing a better relationship with myself. I know I'm a lot better off today then I was this time of year, seven years ago. And I do feel like I have a lot more to offer someone now then before. But this fear of rejection continues to hold me back. So does this mean that I'm going to ask out one of the many guys I find myself attracted to in an effort to move past where I am now, and offer a truce to my fear!? well.... no.... at least I don't feel ready yet. But to be honest, I know there's nothing that can happen to make me feel more ready. All the spray-tan in the world couldn't make me feel ready. It's really just one of those things that you have have to do. It just scares the shit out of me.
Let's discuss the latest assignment in the Cross-Cultural Innovations class, or CCI--if you want to sound like a government employee, which is always fun for me!!!
So first, some back-story on the class: We have weekly assignments, and we never know what they're going to be. So far, we've had to go to a random place in Atlanta, do some ethnographic research on a classmate (MY FAVORITE!!!!), and bake a cake of our ambition. This is class is amazing! It challenges my thought process on a daily basis.
The assignment that I am currently working on now is by far the biggest and hardest, and has taken me to a place in my emotional mind that I haven't been in a long long time. Basically we have to identify our greatest fear, and come up with a way to make peace with that fear.
FEAR
So my greatest fear is the fear of rejection. Which really comes from feeling that I'm not good enough. This fear has constantly held me back in many ways. But it's affected me most in my approach to relationships, or lack there of. I always pursue relationships from the sidelines and never get into the game. That's got to be the least productive way to do anything. (and maybe one of the most cliched analogies EVER)
AN HONEST SEVEN YEARS
My father's behavior towards me growing up could easily be classified as abusive. I know that it felt like he had destroyed my soul and really taught me how to hate myself. But whenever I start thinking about this, which is happening more frequently these days, I always have to stop and remind myself that my father loves me. I say that because I know I have to. I know that his behavior wasn't malicious, or hateful. It's not like he woke up one day and said, "man I hate my kids, let's see if I can go break their spirits today"..... it just sort of happened, slowly.
If he ever got mad, or stressed out, that emotion would often turn violent or angry very quickly. He would do something to get it out, throw something, hit something, or cuss and then it would be over, and we would act as if it had never happened. For example, one night when I was a senior in high school, he wanted me to write an essay for a scholarship that was being given away by our church. The essay had to be about what God means to me and how religion has influenced my life. I remember thinking that God really didn't mean much to me--it was my father's version of religion that was forced fed to me to the point that it stopped having meaning, and eventually became a chore. It was never about feeling spiritual. So I told him that I wasn't going to write it. He got mad, we both started yelling, and he ended it by slamming my back into the thermostat in the hallway. I don't know if he knew that's what he had done. But he was angry, he had to get it out, so he did. And then went on like nothing had happened.
So the past seven years have been about rebuilding myself and changing the inner dialog I have from my father's voice to my voice. Not a lot of people know this about me. My family knows the least about it. It's hard. And it's because of this rebuilding of myself, that I haven't felt that being in a relationship was the right thing. I've been re-establishing a better relationship with myself. I know I'm a lot better off today then I was this time of year, seven years ago. And I do feel like I have a lot more to offer someone now then before. But this fear of rejection continues to hold me back. So does this mean that I'm going to ask out one of the many guys I find myself attracted to in an effort to move past where I am now, and offer a truce to my fear!? well.... no.... at least I don't feel ready yet. But to be honest, I know there's nothing that can happen to make me feel more ready. All the spray-tan in the world couldn't make me feel ready. It's really just one of those things that you have have to do. It just scares the shit out of me.
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