It's almost 6 AM on Thursday morning. I haven't slept more than 3 hours all week. This first quarter is unreal--it's VERY tough.
It's tough because I wanted to be able to walk in here and hit a homerun with every project I work on. I want every piece of work I do to be great, perfect, and effortlessly flawless. I want to be a good designer. Moreover, I want design to be the one thing that I'm naturally good at. I've discussed this concept briefly with other first quarter students ending each conversation with the idea that if everyone walked in here and was good at it, then there would be no point to attending this school. While I know that this is the logical way to approach this quarter, there's a deep emotional part of me that doesn't believe that.
There's this sick part of me that believes everyone has something that they're just naturally good at, like an athlete who just naturally picks up a sport or a musician that can just pick up an instrument and rock the shit out of it. This part of me believed that I was naturally good at design. Three weeks into this quarter and reality has just sucker punched me right in the face, and suddenly I realize I don't know jack shit about any of this. And while that may be the point of the first quarter, I look around at the work that other first quarter students are producing and they're amazing. They're a lot better at it than I am. All of a sudden I find myself struggling to produce mediocre work and I can't help but resent myself for it. So I refuse to sleep until I achieve a level of perfection that I am satisfied with. Then I end up spending an excessive amount of time on one part of a large assignment fearing that the work won't be good enough. The next thing I know It's 6:00 in the morning, the assignment is incomplete, and worst of all, it's less than mediocre--it flat out sucks.
It's like I've hit this wall, and there's this huge wave headed right towards me and if I don't get my ass over this wall, that fucking wave is going to clobber the shit out of me and I'll start to drowned. That is the most unnerving feeling in the world and I’m not sure how to fix it.
6 comments:
Kevin,
I know how you feel about the feeling of not being able to "design" and be as creative as you feel you are. The fact is, in your case, you had to submit a porfolio before they accepted you into the school, and I'm sure these people know the difference between someone who should and should not go to design school. I have full confidence that if you stick through this and keep your heart in it, you will come out just as great or better than you thought you would.My friend, Amy Smoyer, felt the EXACT same way you do right know when she first started interior design school. It lasted for the first year or so, and then she noticed that her work WAS improving.It's not that she just woke up more 'creative' one morning, it was the fact that she was using the sometimes-tedious techniques the instructors drilled into her head for the first year.
Design goes hand-in-hand with the basics and techniques you're learning now. Others may be producing quality work you think YOU should be producing, but don't fret, who knows what their creative background is. You spent your time at W&P in the Media Department, and didn't have a whole lot of time to sit with the creatives and see what they were doing. These other students could have spent their entire High School years doing nothing but drawing, so it may just be a step ahead for them.
You will get there, just give it time and stick with it. Frustration is natural, as is anxiety and disapointment. Letting these things take over the time you should be spending focusing on your work is the reason you feel your work is mediocre.
Keep at it, and shoot me an email when you see this so I have your email address! anthonyb@whiteandpartners.com
this is the most reassuring thing i have read on anyone's blog in your quarter.
be thankful you're not naturally talented and able to skate right through... those people close themselves off from learning anything new or becoming anything more than what they already are. in a few quarters, you will be passing them up. because of your work ethic.
you have the right attitude. instead of crying about it, you're deciding to work harder and you're setting higher standards for yourself.
all you can do is your very best, plus a little more. that school is an amazing place. it gives as much or more back, based on what you put in. take advantage of every opportunity you get and make sure you put yourself in a place to get those opportunities.
there's no formula for it. no pattern to follow. and you should always be glad when you realize your work sucks and that you can do better. it means you're still open.
feel free to email me if you need any help or advice. i think you're going to be more than fine.
Thanks Minus!
gotta be honest-- didn't think i'd hit my low point so soon, but i'm fucking glad I did.
no problem.
low points end up being the best. i live at rock bottom. i highly recommend it.
I'd like to add that even those with "natural talent" have to LEARN the craft.
In the eight years I've been teaching at PC, I've seen lots of talented people. Interestingly enough, though, all of them needed to come to school...
Oh yeah--how 'bout a new post now?
Post a Comment