dirty filters

My car needs a new air filter. It's pretty clogged up and hasn't been changed in the year and a half that I've had it. That got me thinking about other filters in my life that may need to be changed out. Starting with the one that connects my brain to my mouth!

Last night I attended a a great Halloween party--I dressed up as a gay Marine (pictures to be posted soon). It was an awesome good time. I sheepishly will admit that this party was reminiscent of Halloween parties you might see in the movies or on TV. By this I mean there were costumes, great music, and a long ass fucking line at the bathroom (though you typically don't see bathroom lines in the movies). In addition to the costumes and music, there was alcohol! A lot of fucking alcohol. The funny thing about alcohol is that it has this way of disintegrating the filters of sobriety that enable us to keep our personal thoughts to ourselves. Any attempts to filter thoughts last night were completely shut out due to the unstoppable forces of alcohol. That said, I should apologize to one Blake Wright for grabbing his ass. I should also apologize to Adrian Dickerson for playfully slapping him across the face after describing certain body parts of mine (don't ask!). I should also apologize to the people across the street for eating all of their of hummus--how awkward was that!

I tend to operate on a regular basis with my personal brain filter set to low/non-existent. this typically results in the proverbial line being crossed almost every time I crack a joke. But I like to think that is one of my more positive character traits! Others may beg to differ. And to those people I say " SUCK IT!" But sometimes I think I do it to keep myself at a safe distance from other people; slightly alienated. Because when someone makes an off colored remark, you tend to look at them differently, perhaps with a slightly negative lens. People will always remember how you make them feel. I’m not exactly sure where I’m going with this, but every once in a while I’ll resent myself (just a little) for keeping myself at a “safe” distance from others. I think my behavior at the Halloween party can easily be attributed to that thought process. If I’m loud and gregarious, then I don’t feel like I actually have to talk to people, I’ll try to make sure people only look at me, but not talk to me.

Me and the Pre-PC-Me

As I conclude week 4 of Portfolio Center I am starting to become more aware of little idiosyncrasies that are very different from the pre-PC me. Here are a few:

I no longer feel that the world will end if I do not visit Starbucks on a bi-hourly basis! Instead, I prefer the cheap just add water French Vanilla "cappuccino" from the BP gas station and a bag of Swedish fish (suck it cavities ha ha!).

I don't drive my car nearly as much as I used to. I've had the same tank of gas for 3 weeks now! That’s just plain amazing!!

I have started to identify an AOF in every piece of marketing collateral I see and then scoffing at its use of stock typeface and lack of directional force!

I am actually able to function without cable tv or dvr!

the only time I am in my bedroom is when I am changing clothes or sleeping; all other times I am either in class, or downstairs working, or at the BP.

I leave lights on when I leave the room.

my portion control at dinner is now dictated by Wachovia Educational Loan services.

i am no longer gay (yeah right!)

things that have stayed the same:

I still have trouble managing my time
I still make awkward uncomfortable moments and then laugh at them
I still dance the night away in my living room

PC vs. Family

I had an interesting conversation with my sister Kelly about work and family and how to prioritize the two. Kelly is the oldest of my four siblings. I am the second oldest--how "middle-child syndrome" does that sound! Kelly is also a musical genius who just completed her graduate degree at the Manhattan School of Music for jazz composition. I am sure there are other impressive titles attached to her degree, but unfortunately I don't know them, nor do I honestly understand them (sorry Kelly). Her work ethic is uncanny in addition to her commitment to family.

Here's a non-verbatim recap of our conversation:

Kelly: Why the fuck aren't you coming home for Thanksgiving (okay...I added the fuck part....Kelly hardly ever uses bad words when she talks to me)

Kevin: Well, I'm afraid that coming home for Thanksgiving will be a "rushed" trip that will put me behind in my school work, and I'd prefer to just work through Thanksgiving to keep myself on track and then come home for Christmas when I can truly relax and enjoy being at home.

Kelly: BULLSHIT--taking a day off will only put you behind if you let it. Just manage your time and keep yourself from falling into that trap--I did it for every holiday when I was in grad school. I'm sure your work load is insane, but mine was too. Look, I understand the meaning and purpose of being in a good work flow and keeping it going. You're totally underestimating your ability to keep yourself on track.

Kevin: ________________________________________________________________________________________(long pause; which I usually take when someone has just slapped me with some reality)

Kelly: Besides, at Brent's Wedding, your presence was definitely missed. Because, bottom line, you make me laugh, and it's always more fun when you're around. (Brent is our cousin who was recently married on October 7th, the first weekend of my first quarter at PC--it was also the weekend of my first 2 all nighters).

Kevin: [blushing a little].....yeah i know, aren't I the most awesome---I mean--Reeaaaallly?????!!!!

Kelly: This isn't a power play, I promise. ("power plays" are a constant underlying theme that run deep in my family's decision making process. If at any point one of us thinks the other is taking advantage of the other or trying to control the other, we will automatically resist and argue for the sake of arguing).

Kevin: I think you're arguing this for the sake of arguing!

Kelly: We all just want you to come home. Bottom line.

Kevin: Understood, I'll revaluate my work load and see if I can find a way to make it work. Which means I’ll be going home for Thanksgiving?

But that got me thinking about work and family. I've always lived pretty close to home and never really had an over-demanding work load like I do now. I was always able to come home when I needed to. Sometimes I still think I'm just a 30 minute drive away from seeing my mom and dad.

But at what point do you put your work aside and put family first? I don't know that I have a clean cut answer for that one. I don't know that anyone does. I imagine a lot of people struggle with this issue. And is it considered selfish to put your work before family? When I first made the decision to stay in Atlanta for Thanksgiving, I was aware that I was acting selfishly, but in my mind, it was a "healthy" type of selfishness. However, after realizing what my older sister went through to make it home for holidays when she was in school, it seemed incredibly selfish for me to put work first. I know that if Kelly didn't come home then I would be disappointed too. I'd be disappointed in her for not finding a way to make it work.

I think I'm also starting to realize how strong our family can be when we're all together, and how the family dynamic changes when one of is missing.


Alrght-Alrighty: roll the credits and que the sappy 80's sitcom theme music!)

oh shit

It's almost 6 AM on Thursday morning. I haven't slept more than 3 hours all week. This first quarter is unreal--it's VERY tough.

It's tough because I wanted to be able to walk in here and hit a homerun with every project I work on. I want every piece of work I do to be great, perfect, and effortlessly flawless. I want to be a good designer. Moreover, I want design to be the one thing that I'm naturally good at. I've discussed this concept briefly with other first quarter students ending each conversation with the idea that if everyone walked in here and was good at it, then there would be no point to attending this school. While I know that this is the logical way to approach this quarter, there's a deep emotional part of me that doesn't believe that.

There's this sick part of me that believes everyone has something that they're just naturally good at, like an athlete who just naturally picks up a sport or a musician that can just pick up an instrument and rock the shit out of it. This part of me believed that I was naturally good at design. Three weeks into this quarter and reality has just sucker punched me right in the face, and suddenly I realize I don't know jack shit about any of this. And while that may be the point of the first quarter, I look around at the work that other first quarter students are producing and they're amazing. They're a lot better at it than I am. All of a sudden I find myself struggling to produce mediocre work and I can't help but resent myself for it. So I refuse to sleep until I achieve a level of perfection that I am satisfied with. Then I end up spending an excessive amount of time on one part of a large assignment fearing that the work won't be good enough. The next thing I know It's 6:00 in the morning, the assignment is incomplete, and worst of all, it's less than mediocre--it flat out sucks.

It's like I've hit this wall, and there's this huge wave headed right towards me and if I don't get my ass over this wall, that fucking wave is going to clobber the shit out of me and I'll start to drowned. That is the most unnerving feeling in the world and I’m not sure how to fix it.

The Devil Wears Chicos

it's 10:13 in the AM on Monday 10/16. I just woke up after about three hours sleep. I worked on one project yesterday/ last night/this morning for about 15 hours--here's to week three!

The assignment is to pick an ancient civilization and an animal out of a hat and then produce several final pieces of work which include a poster (made entirely of cut paper) and a gift bag (also made entirely of paper--which I must make myself!). The design of these final pieces must represent the civilization's design aesthetic as well as composition. I choose the Aztec civilization and a deer. So not only do I have to be an expert on the Aztec design, but I have to be an expert on design in general. My initial thought was: "this ain't so bad!....I’ll just put a few triangles on the page and see if it looks good, then go from there!!" I failed to realize that there are these things in design called an Area of Focus, point force, values, symmetry, and a whole slew of design concepts that I'm still learning how to use. There really isn't a book that teaches all of this, so it all must be self-taught in a short amount of time while under the watchful eye of one Sylvia Gaffney.

Sylvia Gaffney is known at the Portfolio Center (as well as Creative Circus) for her keen sense of design as well as her ability to stare you down and, without saying a single word, cause you to doubt the very breath you're about to take, not to mention your design ideas(she also has this way of starring right at you for an extended period of time after you've concluded a brief conversation, what's up with that??) In other words, she's there to weed out all the first quarter students who aren't serious about this program. She's already caused a few first quarter students to curl up in the fetal position and cry silently in their cars. I tell you this now--that ain't happening to this kid!! Growing up gay with an overbearing strict catholic Marine for a father (love ya dad!!) has definitely taught me a thing or two about perseverance, resilience, and not ever being broken!! Bottom line, I'm going to wrestle this class to the ground, punch it in the face three times, send it off to the taxidermist, wait three weeks for it come back mounted on a piece of drift wood with a plaque that says "Suck It" where I'll hang it on the wall and sit around it and tell war stories with my hunting buddies all while wearing boots and a flannel shirt.

To be honest, I am really quite fond of Sylvia. While her teaching methods consist only of extemporaneous lectures and do not include power point presentations, a book, or even a white board, I have a feeling that her lessons will be carried with me for the rest of my design career, and perhaps even my life! This class is not easy! But if it were easy, then there'd be no point. All of my design ideas first quarter will suck and be filled with mistakes! But that's the whole point, that's where the learning happens; in the mistakes. I hope to make so many fucking mistakes this quarter that I'll actually be able to write a manual for the next round of first quarter students coming into PC!!!!

Go Fauxhawk Yourself

This is my first blog ever! Well that's not true. I started a blog last month on my myspace page (www.myspace.com/s2kmfent), however I only did one entry and thought it was lame and then I stopped.


So I've just moved down to Atlanta, GA to start an intensive two-year design program at a school called the Portfolio Center. I'm in week two and I'm enjoying the ride. The people that I've met at the school are the kind of people I've always wanted to meet and be around. Furthermore, they're the kind of people I've always wanted to become. I guess that's because for the last two years I'd been living a life that I thought I had discerned for myself. I finished college, got an awesome job, started buying things that I wanted and felt pretty satisfied. It's funny the way people define their happiness. For me, that happiness was more about having a lifestyle filled with work and happy hours, and an awesome wardrobe! But that's all pretty much bullshit at the end of the day. I guess it was about 4 months ago that I realized how unhappy I was. The life I had wasn't much of a way to live; it was more of a way to die. That's a pretty morbid statement, but I think there's truth in it. I had become complacent and apathetic, everything felt routine and mechanical. In many ways, I felt many parts of me had already started to die off.

So what did I do about it? I walked right out of that life, started drawing thumbnails until 7:30 in the AM, and grew a faux-hawk. (yes, that's right, a faux hawk!)