Today I helped my friend and her girlfriend move into their incredible apartment in Little 5 points! It was actually the first time I’ve enjoyed unloading a U-Haul--probably because it involved 6 awesome people!! It felt a little bit like a cheesy straight-to-DVD gay British movie (the kind that you can only find in certain Blockbusters). It sounds funny, but it felt safe to be around other gay people (plus my roommate) in a setting that didn't involve alcohol or bar smell. Not that I feel unsafe when I'm not around other gay people, but there is always an internal sigh of relief when I know I'm not the only one in the group.
It really sucks when you're the only one of anything in a group. Like if you're the only woman, or the only red-head, or the shortest, or the heaviest. I think we all sometimes feel like the only of one of something when we're in a group. Sometimes that one differentiating characteristic is the basis of our insecurity. I think everyone interprets that insecurity differently, and adapts a certain behavior or persona to cope with it. For example, when I'm the only gay person in a group, it makes me feel a little insecure because I don't know if other people approve of it or not. So I try to find a way--usually with humor--to make it okay for them --and then it makes it okay for me. Now it's pretty simple to say "fuck 'em if the don't approve." "Since when do you need anyone's approval to be who you are?" Well...this looks great on paper, and sounds even better on Oprah, but in reality it's not so cut and dry--at least not for me.
Incidentally, since I've been at Portfolio Center, I'm starting to feel less dependent on other people's approval to substitute a floundering self-esteem. I think it's because my reasons for wanting to come to PC were my reasons, and mine alone. They were not influenced by anyone else, (i.e. my father). I feel like I'm living the life that I want for myself, and not a life that I think my father would approve of. This school may teach a lot about typeface design and color harmonies, but it's a lot more than that to me. I look around at all of the other students and wonder if it means more to them too. I'm curious to know what PC means to other students and graduates of the program.
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2 comments:
Sounds like a poster to me . . . Get everyone in our quarter to describe their PC experience in one word, and design a poster that uses all of the words. (You could even list the fonts with which each word is typeset, extending the poster's reuse.) My word is "risk."
Now I totally know what it feels like to be gay. I was the only straight person out of the six of us =P
I can't wait to meet your father. He sounds like a treat.
My word would be "faith."
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