I got a picture-message from my sister last night. It was a close up shot my family's Christmas Tree. I'll be honest and say it was a little sad not being there for the tree stuff. I typically don't like to make a big deal out of stuff like that, but nonetheless, I missed them. Weird... I questioned my decision to stay in Atlanta and work on my projects instead of going home like I had originally intended. I don't regret my decision, just questioned it.
I miss my dogs and I miss the smell of the house when the heater is first turned on. I miss the cold wet November leaves on the ground and the way the cold would sting your nose the moment you walked outside. I miss the way the smell of burning wood in the fireplace would warp itself around you and hold you if only for a second. I miss fake fighting and getting tipsy with my siblings and trying to keep it together for dinner. I miss being the only one that didn't close my eyes for the dinner prayer. I miss the Starbucks runs with my siblings--trying to pimp out in the Audi! I miss the taste of the rolls my mom makes. I miss the little subtle decorative hints found throughout the house that suggest what season we're in--be it a candle, or a sad antique toy. I miss my brother and sister playing the drums in the basement or my older sister playing the piano while I try to watch TV. I miss the sound of my walk on the hard wood floors. I miss the small moments when I would look around the house and think to myself " I grew up here?" I miss my mother's uncomfortable sofa that looks awesome, but isn't functional at all. I miss trying to pile into the "tavern room" (all of the rooms have their own name) to watch a movie but with no where to sit. I miss seeing Jack-dog curled up in my dad's leather chair and the way my mom would shout through a whisper for him to get off.
But I don't miss the fighting and the yelling. I don't miss walking on egg shells to keep my father from exploding. I don't miss pretending that nothing bad ever happened there. I don't miss looking at the fireplace in the old living room and reliving everything again. I don't miss getting mad at my dad and being forced to keep it to myself. I don't miss the way we all would fall back into the rolls we had when we were 10 or 11 years old. I don't miss feeling guilty for watching TV. I don't miss the ridiculous requests made by my father. I don't miss the ongoing power struggles. I don't miss the cold administrative conversations with my dad. I don't miss the constant disapproving comments and glances. I don't miss the negative commentary. I don't miss the soapbox political statements.
It's hard to know if I made the right choice.
2 comments:
It is okay to miss those things that you remember. Just think of it this way... the next time you go home, the people you spoke of in your blog missed you and they will be extremely excited to see you. Just know that they thought of you and wished you could have been there! Good luck on your critique and and all the hard work you did over the weekend will pay off!!!
Of course you made the right decision. You knew what you had to do and you did it. We missed you TERRIBLY!!!!!!!! There was definitely drinking, dancing, faking fighting, starbucks runs, shots with nana, piano playing, all of that. And it was amazing how this year we DIDNT get in trouble at the dinner table, weird. But everything in your second paragraph was present too (and i can relieve several small little stories with you later). Our house will always be a black and white cookie. But then, what house, what environment, what ANYTHING isn't?
When are you coming home for Christmas?
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