Apple

Okay, so I'm going out on limb and blogging about my roommate (again!) For the sake of "preserving" his reputation, Let's just refer to him as Apple (the same way Gwyneth Paltrow refers to her baby)!

So Apple has been camping out on the couch for like the past 4-6 weeks. And when I say camping, I mean stretched out on the couch from about 4:00 in the afternoon to about 11:30 the next morning. Now, I've fallen asleep on the couch numerous times, most of which were a result of alcoholic indulgences and maybe boredom, so I totally understand an occasional bed-vacation on the couch. However, Apple would fall asleep on the couch, wake up, walk upstairs, retrieve his pillow-comforter combo, and return to the couch to make a night out of it. This probably wouldn't bother me as much if I weren't such a fucking morning person! I thought this roommate dynamic may work because our natural time schedules are opposite--in other words, he's a night person and I'm a morning person. So by default, we would rarely see each other. But when these two time-table worlds collide, someone is bound to get their feelings hurt. And my god--did they ever!

Last week, I had enough of tip toeing around so as to not disturb his invasive slumber! I went about my 8:00 AM routine as if he were not loudly snoring on the couch. I successfully woke up him up while unloading the dishwasher, thus making my passive aggressive intentions known. For the record, I've attempted to discuss his odd sleeping habits so that I may understand them, and maybe work around them. These conversations don't typically get very far. To put it bluntly, Apple is pretty dumb. And that's the nicest way I know to put it. By about 10:00 AM I'm on my second cup of coffee and well into my itunes mix of the hour. As apple pounded away on his laptop, I poured over ideas of how to fix this cushion-crushing situation so that both parties involved are happy. And then...a revelation: We'll move his TV into his room. This solution, while not ideal, has remedied similar roommate conflicts in the past. We could create a retreat for him, a new world, an oasis!! So I perked my shaved little head up, turn to dumb-apple and pitch my idea to him.

His head shot up within my first spoken syllable. As he starred at me blankly (which may just be his natural relaxed look) I could feel my optic nerves start to shutter as if my stare was burning a hole into his forehead! He attempted to explain why he continues to sleep on the couch. He started with "well, it's not the TV that keeps me on the couch..." Without thinking or even understanding what was happening, he completely turned the conversation around to recount the events from the day before that led to his couch-camping.

With one solid thought, I finally realized that he doesn't understand why I'm talking to him about his sleeping habits. He has confused my curiosity with interest. To him, this conversation was an opportunity for him to share his life with me. To me this conversation was a bullet in my head, or rather, the head of the roommate dynamic I tried in vein to preserve. I knew what I had to do. I didn't want to do it. Apple is fragile, needy, and sensitive. He knows not of his awkwardness, or inappropriate behavior. But I had to make a choice: preserve the integrity of my environment and crush his hope of he and I becoming best friends forever or continue to listen to his pointless mind-numbing stories and vent my frustrations later over dinner with friends!?

I choose to preserve the integrity of my environment and crushed his hope of finding everlasting friendship in this little apartment world. After listening to him go on about nothing, I walked over to the couch and pretended to discover that the couch cushions, where he once slept so peacefully, had been disproportionally crushed by his massive body weight. I quickly adopted an innocent yet amused demeanor as I pointed out the obvious crushed cushion. He delivered in his defense yet another blank stare. My optic nerve pulsated, and without thought, I exclaimed "IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH TOO MUCH!!!" He immediately became flustered and he examined the cushions. I just continued to stare. He looked straight into my eyes and could feel the contempt I had been harboring for the past 4 months melt the skin off his face. I felt like I was controlling his movement with my mind as he quickly tried to gather is comforter and pillow. Tripping over his feet and his words he confessed, "no more sleeping on the couch..." I poured another cup of coffee, sat down at my desk, and breathed a guiltily sigh of relief. The kind of sigh you breath after shooting an animal in the head to put it out of its misery and end its suffering.

It's been almost a week now since our little confrontation. It's almost amusing how quickly our apartment world changed. It reminds me of the final scene in Far and Away when Joseph and Shannon finally claim their plot of land, after fighting off the evil Stephen! The dynamic of the apartment now favors the dynamic I had with my father growing up. We used to walk on eggshells around him so as to not piss him off and get into an argument. But in this case, I've become my father. I manipulated the situation so that I remain in a controlling position within the apartment.

Apple now keeps to himself and stays in his room. Last night, as I was indulging in the 5th season of Six Feet Under, he literally crawled under the television so that he wouldn't hinder my viewing pleasure. This awkward behavior is a perfect example of how Apple's mind operates. He meant well, but just executed his intention is the most irritating and uncomfortable way possible. So I am left feeling good and guilty. Good because, now I know I can keep my work flow in tact, but oh so guilty because I was unable to solve this problem with the diplomacy and sensitivity that Apple so desperately needs.