For one of my classes this quarter I have to develop a 30,000 word book on any topic of my choice. I've decided to do my book on homosexuality. The point of the book is to give gay men a healthier approach to their sexuality. I choose this topic because I think that self-hatred and internal homophobia is a reoccurring theme in the lives of many gay men in America. Today's social climate can easily be said to be "more accepting" of homosexuality then ten years ago. While this may be true, I believe there is a lot more work to be done if gay men ever want to be viewed as more than just a bunch of silly fashion experts parading around with rainbow flags. In other words, I think there is a true chance that gay men and women can be eventually looked upon as an "us" rather than a "them".
One could argue that shows like Will & Grace and Queer Eye For the Straight Guy have worked wonders for the gay community, by putting them in public view and pulling them out of the proverbial closet. While there is truth to this statement, I don't think it's enough. These shows simply took existing stereotypes within the gay community, repackaged it, and sold back to audiences. I"ll admit, that as I was going through my own coming out, I felt an odd obligation to these stereotypes. I think many gay men lack the ability to fully develop their identity because their sexuality becomes the strongest, most influential part of their personal development.
A few months ago I went to a local gay bar in Atlanta with a bunch of friends. My friend M and I looked around the bar and she made a very relevant observation: all the guys seem to look and act the same. In this one observation she totally pin pointed the most frustrating thing I feel about the gay "community". There are so many gay men out there who simply haven't developed themselves past their sexuality, and, as a result have seemed to completely loose who they are as people. I know many many men who "suffer" from this, and they eventually end up resenting the gay community and lamenting the whole bar scene.
It's been my experience that the gay community is really only a community if you follow certain guidelines and stereotypes. Stereotypes that seem to be set by a fraction of gay men, yet reinforced and perpetuated by the masses--both gay and not gay. The result for those who do not fit this criteria is often pushed into further isolation from other gay guys, or "cornered" into a different "category" of this community we call gay. For example, there is a whole "BEAR" culture that exists within the gay community. You could easily describe a "bear" of a guy to be somewhat overweight and hairy--hence the term "bear". Then you have the antithesis of this in what is referred to as a Twink in the gay community. A twink is a slim guy raging from 18-23 years old, has bleached blond hair, 0% body fat as well as 0% body hair. Most bears and most twinks don't really get along (at least in my experience). I never quite understood why these two group of guys don't get along. But it happens. A LOT!
It's because of these ridiculous social dynamics within the gay community that leads me to believe there's got to be a healthier way to be gay. It doesn't have to be about who fits in where and on what terms. In my opinion, being part of a gay community should be about being there for one another when other people in your lives can't be there for you. It should mean that you can turn to the gay community for help and support when the rest of the world can't quite relate to your personal struggles. It shouldn't mean that we further divide ourselves into categories and further alienate ourselves from one another. I like to think that if the gay community was able to be more open to each other, then maybe we wouldn't have the suicide rate that we have. And maybe guys would think twice before using crystal meth or any other drug for that matter. And finally, it could mean that we could all simply be ourselves, without feeling like we have to fit into some bullshit category.
It's hard enough to be openly gay in our world today. But it's even harder to be gay within the gay community.
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7 comments:
Sounds like you off to good start, Kev. Hey, if you need any help or just need a black, gay perspective, let me know. I'd love to help you out.
Isn't this really about the search for identity and the need to fit in, regardless of sexual orientation, color, beauty, weight, etc.? Isn't it about self-acceptance and finding your own tribe?
We can't be happy if we measure ourselves against stereotypes or long to belong to a group that values superficial qualities we don't possess.
Take my eight-year-old daughter, Lola, who insists on buying her clothes in the boys' department at Old Navy and gets teased mercilessly by the pink-clad, be-ribboned girls of every color who live in our neighborhood: Better to help Lo on her path to self-discovery and self-acceptance, and help her find kindred souls to commune with, than to figure out a way for her to fit in with these prisses or convince them to accept her.
speak it loud sister! There is a majority of gay men and women that feel like they have to be a certain way and it aint pretty. If I see another cargo pant wearing, plaid button down or dumpy hair covered by baseball hats I am going to vom. I have some gay boys in NY that would make you feel less alone...
WWW--thanks for the feedback i know that things can be a lot harder for black gay men....
TR--This is all about helping gay men get a better understanding of who they are. It's about the search for an authentic identity, and all of the reinvention involved in that search. I agree 100% that helping Lo find kindred souls to commune with is more important then forcing her to "fit in". But the point I'm making is that for gay men the idea of a "kindred soul" is hard to come by within the community. So many men simply can't get past themselves to see even see a soul in another man.
I'm reading a great book called the Velvet Rage by Alan Downs. In his book, he breaks down the "phases" of a gay man, from coming out, to self-acceptacne, to committing to be in a relationship. Along the way, he explains a lot about the different psychology behind some of the stereotypes. He doesn't cast judgment for or against these stereotypes, he simply explains why they exist for some men. It's a great book--very very insightful!
Charrow-- I'll admit that a lot of the stereotypical gay guys make me vom a little in my mouth too. I just find it terribly difficult to relate to them. Despite the fact that I have some of the stereotypical traits myself. And therein lies
the mystery: how I can expect to relate to other gay guys when I can't relate to the gay guy in me? I can relate to women just fine, and I can relate to straight guys on some level, but not gay guys.
Hi Kevin!
Kelly gave me the link to your blog and I think it's great. I wish my life was interesting enough to blog about-- don't think anyone cares about babies and diapers though! From your writings, to the drawings, to the tshirts- I am amazed at and jealous of your talent. Email me sometime, Kelly has my address.
Kensley
I'm very interested in this project and how it develops, I'm really interested to figure out what you mean by "it's even harder to be gay within the gay community."
Good words.
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