I typically get bored easily when reading about other people's relationship problems. So if that's not your scene--you should wait another 38 days for another post!
But I need to get something off my chest:
I have been single for seven years. Yup--SEVEN years. I had always thought that my 20's are a time for self-reflection and a time to "figure myself out". This has always been the excuse I give myself and other people if the topic of relationships come up. I always pity those who marry early and vow to myself that I will not marry until I am in my 30's (provided that the federal government removes the stick from their ass and will let me legally do it). But upon further reflection of my happy single hood I've found that it has very little to do with self-reflection, and everything to do with fear.
In its most basic form I fear rejection--bla bla bla who doesn't!? But given certain events from my not-too-distant past, the word rejection doesn't even come close to quantifying what it is I fear. In other words, there are so many other emotions and meanings attached to the word rejection--it's complex and dependent on so many varying factors that I don't even know that I could map them all out if I tried.
So here's a recap of a personal conversation I'll have with myself--also called lies that I tell myself when no one else is around...
"Things are fine, you're trying to force it, just relax and let love find you--sure there are some lonely times, but everyone gets lonely. You're not the only one. Just hang in there and keep doing what you're doing."
The key to this lie is the part where I tell myself to "keep doing what I'm doing" Here's what I'm doing--I stare at guys that I think are cute--I don't talk to them, I don't smile at them. I stare blankly while I completely abandon all sense of my small-talking talent and witty sense of humor. I automatically feel inferior, inadequate, and I feel like an idiot for not being able to chat up some cute guy. Then I run through the never-ending list of why he won't like me:
I'm too mainstream
Not mainstream enough
I don't have enough hair on my head
I have too much hair on my head
I shop at retail clothing stores too much
I don't shop at retail clothing stores enough
I don't have a six pack anymore
I'm not funny enough
I'm too funny
My eyelids are too big
My forehead is too big
My bottom teeth aren't straight
My breath might smell
I'm too liberal and artsy
I'm not liberal or artsy enough
and so on and so on and so on and so on and so on...
So what the fuck? Really. What the fuck do I do? I know that something needs to change. I need to develop the testicular fortitude to at least smile at guys that I think are cute--a simple nod hello or even "wass'up". But when the situation arises when a simple nod hello is more than enough to express interest, I completely abandon all rational thought, and up going through the list and starring like a dead gay zombie. Furthermore--I look desperate. But I guess I am desperate. Because sometimes--it really sucks when you're alone.
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4 comments:
That lil pep talk sounds familiar ... Not me, though. Noooo, not me ... I mean, like I've heard it from someone else before. I'm cool on relationships. I'm fine with being alone. Really, stop hassling me!!!!!!!
We all have those thoughts...mine, however, are more related to friendships. If meet someone who I think is interesting or funny, I think that somehow they are better than me. But I think if you are true to yourself, and be yourself, people will be attracted to you and want to come meet you.
Face it Kev, you're a Fenton. Are ANY of us in a relationship? No. And the one of us that practically is, won't call it that. No. We are Fentons. We are doomed to be alone.
When you open yourself up, you are such a wonderful and loving person. Seriously, who wouldnt love you? You just need to burn down your wall.
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