Breathe Easy Baby!

So as maybe four of you know, I have been struggling with craft and general bookbinding. But it seems this struggle, at its root, comes from a flawed thought process where I direct frustration and anger within myself, thus complicating the process.

Tonight, during my bookmaking, I joked that I have to breath through my mistakes to prevent myself from overreacting and feeling generally shitty. But it's really not a joke. I've found that with every slip of my ruler or air bubble I find, I really do need to breath through it and it simply becomes more manageable, an in turn somewhat therapeutic. Tonight, after class I feel generally good and optimistic that this looming cloud of bad craft is slowly drifting away (how's that for wordiness!)!!

On another note, I have my first hot-yoga class tomorrow at 9:30!! I'm very excited about this supplement to my existing workout routine. I've heard great things about the class and look forward to the exhaustion!

At long last....

Alright, here they are...the first two books I've made this week. After all the bitching and moaning:










So, I went through about 400 pieces of paper to get 8 sheets that were cut accurately and folded perfectly. Before I glued, the book was pretty perfect. After I glued, it messed some things up. But I'm taking into class with me, and will be analyzing the craft work CSI style! I do feel less intimidated by the book making process than I did last week when I started. It's only been a week, but I can tell my heart is in the right place, and I will get better. However, if anyone has any gluing tips, please pleas please pass them along!

Pissed Off

I am so fucking frustrated I could just scream!

I had my first class in book making last night. We made an accordion fold book. It wasn't as hard as I thought. But since I have spent the last fucking 6 + years of my life avoiding all things creative, I do not have a viable skill set to save my life. That said, I thought it would be a GREAT idea for me to try to make another book just like the one I did last night. Thinking, of course, that the more I do this the easier it'll get. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. The more I do this the angrier and more frustrated I get. For those of you who say that bookmaking is soothing and relaxing, I invite you to spend a few hours in my head, and I assure you'll find that it's all but soothing and relaxing.

As I sit down to even write this blog, I can see and hear the disappointment of my last critique panel as they try not to vomit all over my pathetic attempt at a clamshell box (of which I made FIVE of to try to get it right!!!). I know that as a 5th quarter designer my weak craft is pretty much a sin, as if making a poorly crafted box in your 5th quarter can easily be equated with taking a shit right in the middle of church. This shit comes soooo much easier to everybody else in my quarter. Those who were fortunate enough to embrace their creative side at an early age and cultivate into what it is today can pull shit out of their ass and make a perfectly bound book out of it. It's like for every step they take forward, I have to work twice as hard to just get to where they are, and I seldom feel as though I am on par with them. And I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people, especially people who have been doing this a hell of a lot longer then me. But in this PC culture, I can't help but feel like a lesser designer because I can't fucking glue two sheets of paper together without fucking it up.

So...

I shaved my head last night. I like this much much better!

Can't F-ing sleep!

About two hours ago I had a violent nightmare. I've been wide awake staring out of my window--fully alert and completely unable to sleep. I can't recall the nightmare, but it scared me awake. So instead of just watching my clock tick until the alarm goes off, I figured I'd make good use of the time and blog.

The quarter started up again. Boy did it ever. Those who know the PC experience know that you don't know your class schedule until the quarter starts. After you get your schedule, then you can start negotiating which classes you want and which ones you don't want. Before you start to negotiate with the powers that be, you have to first negotiate with yourself. I'm sure that's part of the reason why I'm unable to sleep. My schedule this quarter is HEAVY. I know I need to drop a class, but can't figure out which one. Logically, I know I should to attend each class, and then make my decision based on the information that I get. But I'm so paranoid and anxious about this quarter, that I feel like I need to know exactly what's going on from the start.

It's officially been a year now since I've been at PC. I still know I made the right decision to come down here and do this. But starting the second year has intensified things. We're all more serious, we all have a new set of skills to work with. It's like we're coming out of training and stepping up to the plate, ready to give our a A-game. As I picked up my schedule and recounted the highlights of the break, I noticed a subtle sense of confidence that everyone in my quarter has now. It was kind of humorous to hear the students from the quarters below me ask about the classes that I've already been through. It's like I can offer advice now. It's a great feeling, but also a bit odd, as I know I have more to learn and more to perfect.

I thought it may be a good idea to post some of my favorite pieces of work from the past year. But then I realized that I hadn't pulled everything off my external hard drive that I wanted to post. And since it's like 4:00 in the morning, and I'm still actually laying in bed in hopes of maybe napping before my alarm goes off. I'll post what I have:

From second quarter: Parts of my comic book--for Intro to design history:











From 3rd quarter: roost covers--publication design/ roost is a magazine that I came up with to celebrate living in small spaces--spreads to be posted soon!









There are a few things missing that are worth posting.... but for now, this is it.

Car of the week: Audi A4

So I've been slacking off with the car of the week. My apologies to the three people that read my blog.

That said, this week's car of the week is the Audi A4. I have LOVED this car since I first went with my parents to test drive one back in 1997. I have a very clear memory of being at the well appointed Audi dealer in Palm Springs, CA. There was a beautiful woman that worked as a salesperson at the dealer. As they pulled the Champagne colored A4 in front of us, the woman smiled at me and said "this is a sharp car!" My reaction to this was "OMG, rich people use the word sharp!" Unfortunately, the A4 was way too small for a family of six. We did test drive the larger A6, but it was WAY too expensive at the time. Alas, we ended up getting a 1997 VW Passat. A much more affordable and comparable sedan to the A4. (The original body style of the A4 shared the same platform with the 97 VW Passat) Sigh.

But I digress. It wasn't until 2000 that an Audi A4 Quattro appeared in the front driveway of my parents house. But it was my older sister's car. No joke, I used to stand in front of the car just taking in the soft beautiful lines of the design. I'd walk around the perimeter of the car to see how many pieces of sheet medal were used, and how they fit on the car. The interior wasn't my choice, as it lacked the life-altering wood trim. But she loved that it didn't have wood trim. The one drawback that I see with the Audi A4, is the amber glow of the interior dashboard lights. I cannot stand this. It pretty much ruins the car for me. I'd prefer a clean white light, similar to that of the interior glow on the latest Honda Accords. Or even (possibly) the yellow glow that Mercedes-Benz uses in their cars. I've pretty much alienated myself from all of the Audi enthusiasts out there by suggesting using styling cues from MB or...*gasp* Honda...... but I stand by my suggestion. I just don't know that I can get passed the red amber.

Here's a visual history of the Audi A4 from its inception in 1994 to the latest 08 Model. You may also enjoy more personal opinions of each redesign!

1995-2001


2001-20005

THIS IS MY FAVORITE BODY STYLE to date! I LOVE how they took the soft lines of the previous generation, and made them more aggressive and sharp. If you look closely at the 2002 Passat, they have similar front fascia lines around the headlights! Beautiful!

2004-2007

HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT. It looks like a pig.

2008-present

They recovered nicely from the previous generation. I sat in one the other day when I went to pick up the VeeDub from the dealer. VERY nice. This design has renewed my love for the Audi A4. (However, there is a slight design flaw in the interior of the 08 A4: When the parking break is up, the center console cannot be completely down. It's as if they were trying to fit a 3 foot wall into a 2 foot space. Not cool Audi. Not Cool.)

Cocktail Party Personna: A Personal Revelation

In the wake of my fourth quarter, I have discovered a little something about myself. I was debating for a while if I should blog about this. But I'm finding that the more I talk about it with friends and family, the easier it gets, and the more real if feels. So here it goes.

I finished my fourth quarter last week. And so ends an entire year at the Portfolio Center. I feel okay. Well...okay isn't really a feeling. I feel disappointed. Disappointed in myself. I've realized that for this whole year, I haven't been 100% honest with my work. Don't get me wrong, all the work that I've done is all mine. But I haven't been putting 100% of myself in my work. In short, I've been holding back, keeping a safe distance from my work. This same mentality is true for a lot of things in my life. Friendships, relationships, performance at work, keeping my room clean, things like that. I've realized that I really put up a "cocktail party persona" most of the time that I'm out and about, be it at school, in most classes, or even when I'm at a party. For the past year, I've been designing with this cocktail party persona in mind. And it has shown in most of my work. I think I've gotten lucky with a few cool projects. But on a whole, I know I'm holding back, and I'm hiding behind this cocktail party persona.

I've blogged a few times about how I haven't had a real relationship in seven years, going on eight now. And I think I've finally figured out why. Fear. I am so scared to be who I really am. There's a big part of me that's actually homophobic. A lot of the time, I feel like people are uncomfortable being around the gay guy, so I feel like I have to make it okay for everyone to be around me by making self-depricating jokes, or just being a caricature of myself. It's truly exhausting to do that all the time. In fact, I've done it so much, that I've actually lost sight of who I really am. To be honest, without that persona, it's so hard to be who I really am. I think I come across as generally friendly and up beat, fun to be around and things like that, which are good things to be. But I fool myself into thinking that's how I always need to be. And in thinking this, I have taught myself to hate myself.

So it's with this discovery in mind, that I go into my second year at Portfolio Center. I feel like now it's time to get serious, and truly give my organic self to my work. I can't say that I won't assume that cocktail party persona. I think it'll take some time before that goes away completely. But the only way I know to make that go away, is to be truly honest with myself and with other people. To do things for myself, that mean something to me. For example, I've always wanted to keep a little notebook with inspirational things in them. Like companies that I'd like to work for, or artists that I'd like to know more about. And I've never taken the time to do it. I intend to learn how to make a book like this from scratch, just for me. But for the meantime, I've purchased one from Pearl. It's not bad. It just feels flat and impersonal. One of my mini-projects for the break, is to make this little book personal.

I'm still excited about being here and being this PC world. I just think from now on, I'll be able to give myself over to the work, and to myself.

It Happened Again!

While kicking ass on the treadmill this morning, listening to Madonna's "I'm Going To Tell You A Secret" live album, I was straining to sing along (out loud) while sprinting a 8.30 minute pace. All of a sudden this big muscular guy walked into the Colonial Homes workout room. I was totally caught!!!!! The only thing I could do was smile and pretend like the whole thing didn't happen!

Sadly, this isn't the first time this has happened to me! Why haven't I learned this tough lesson yet :)

Car of the Week

My first car of the week is the 1989 Merkur Scorpio! Woo Hoo!!!!

The Merkur Scorpio was a North American version of the European Scorpio Mk. The car was offered at select Lincoln-Mercury dealerships from 1988–1990. It was offered as a luxury executive type car. However, the Scorpio was also plagued by auto transmission troubles, electrical gremlins, and a wide range of reliability issues which hurt its luxury image with consumers. The failure of the Scorpio can be blamed on the Mercury Sable, as it looked very similar, was sold on the same showroom floors, and was considerablly cheaper and just about as equipped. Ford dropped the Merkur nameplate altogether after 1989. The car continued to sell in the UK and went through several name changes and design updates.





It was my dream at one point to go overseas and buy the latest redesigned Scorpio model.

I choose it as my first car of the week because it was the first car I ever bought. I got it for $2500.00! Well technically, my dad helped me pay for half of it, but I did end up paying him back. That car saw me through some tough times during my first semester of college! I pampered that car more than anything else in my life! No joke! On the weekends, I would condition the leather, vacuum the interior, and wash the outside. I used to take an ATM card, wrap it around a paper towel, and go through every nook and cranny of the car and remove all traces of dirt. I even changed the engine coolant on my own. However, I did it in the parking lot of my school, which is actually illegal. Sadly, the car started to suffer from my love of driving it. The electrical system started to break down, and there was something terribly wrong with the front wheel axle. It eventually needed about $1500 worth of work to keep it going, and as a freshman in college I certainly couldn't afford it. So one dark night, I went online, posted an ad to sell the car, and had a "cult"-buyer contact me within one week. I sold the car for $3000. I made a quick $500.00 on the sell, but I had to give $1,000 back to my dad, and $1,000 to my mom (b/c of a phone bill I wracked up during my first months at college!!). But I got to keep $500 of it!! And bought myself a Gateway Computer!!!

A&F

So at the beginning of the quarter, Abercrombie & Fitch came to PC to present students with the opportunity to apply for an internship. We had two days to learn what the guys at A&F learned in 2 years! Needless to say it was a lot of information to take in at once. But I think as a whole, everyone did a pretty good job. Here are the shirts that I did.

This past weekend I took a little time to myself and indulged in one of my favorite movies EVER: The Transporter (1 and 2). These movies are not about the plot line or the acting. No. These movies are all about the CARS! Transporter 1 featured the 1999 BMW 750iL (however, in the movie the car is referred to at the BMW 735iL).



Transporter 2 featured the 2005 Audi A8--a very sexy car!





Watching these movies reminded me of how much I really love cars. And that got me thinking about when I first started to learn about cars:

it was 1994 and I was living in Newport, RI (one of my favorite places to have ever lived!)



I was a freshman in high school and really didn't know much about anything. One afternoon, a few of my friends and I had stayed late after school, and we were all waiting to be picked up. My good friend CJ's mom was the first to pull up. Her mom drove a very classy 1994 Jaguar XJ.



I had no idea what a Jaguar even was or what it meant. My friend had to tell me that it was a very expensive car. That's really when my awareness of cars in general began to come about. In June of 1995, we moved to Yucca Valley, CA.




One night, I was with my siblings at the local grocery store (VONS) and picked up Consumer Report's best/worst cars for 1996. I ended up buying the magazine and reading it cover to cover. This was really the first time I ever remember being completely engaged with something so intently. From there I started buying Motor Trend magazine. Eventually my mom got me a subscription to it. I pretty much had a Motor Trend magazine with me at all times. We used to have to travel all over Southern CA for my younger siblings soccer games and I would always read the MT magazine while on the road. It was exciting for me to read about the latest and greatest BMW, and then actually see one on the road!

This was also the time when I began my driver's training/education. Naturally I assumed that my parents were going to get me a car of my own. I used to read the car ads in the Sunday paper and try to convince my parents to buy me cars. The summer of my Junior year in high school, I pitched a huge fit because my parents would buy me a BMW 318ti!






It was the cheapest BMW you could buy at the time. It retailed at $19,999. And somehow, in my little mind, I thought: "well it's under $20,000! it must be affordable!" Clearly, I had no concept of money, and my parents would just laugh every time I brought it up. I used to call up car manufactures and ask for brochures. They would usually send them, and I would take them apart and hang up my favorite car pictures all over my room. I even "designed" all of my school notebooks with collages of my favorite cars.

So all of this said. I have decided to start a weekly posting called: Car of the Week. Where I will blog about whatever car I like the most for that particular week. Or whatever car I hate the most for that particular week!

I have a Paris Hilton song on my ipod.

Yes. Its true. Slightly shameful. But true.

I like to think that my music selection is pretty eclectic and diverse. I have everything ranging from the Bram Stoker's Dracula Soundtrack to Mary J. Blige to....well Paris Hilton. Music has always played a big role in my life. Remembering a song is like holding onto a memory. I associate ALL OF my music with something from my life. I even have certain songs that I can only listen to during a certain season. For example, Tori Amos's From The Choirgirl Hotel will forever remind me of driving my 1989 Merkur Scorpio home for my first winter break during my freshmen year of college. The connection with that album is so strong, that it can sometimes make me feel cold. It's really amazing.

So in what capacity will this Paris Hilton song have on me? Well... for starters, it currently resides in my FIFTH work out mix on the ipod. It's the second song on the playlist. The pace of the rhythm fits perfectly with the beginning phase of my work outs. It's up beat, not too clubby, and generally happy. I kid you not-- listening to this song while running, actually helps with the releasing of endorphins! The only downfall to this is if i listen to it too much, then it will loose its affect hence my on-going search for fun, not too clubby workout music. I usually have to make a new work out mix every couple of weeks to keep things interesting! Madonna has come out with some great live albums, which are REALLY fun to listen to when working out. I find the loud applause to be particularly inspiring!

If You Can't Say Something Nice About Someone...then blog about it

Okay not really...because if you do blog some bad shit about someone, I'm sure it'll come back and bite you in the ass....

But I woke up this morning just itching to blog about New Roommate. For those who don't know, my old roommate and I had to part ways, as his beautiful fiance has relocated herself and her life to Atlanta, and the three of us in one Colonial Homes Apartment (plus two cats) just wasn't going to work. So they now reside in their new apartment at Peachtree Park--complete with large kitchen, two bathrooms, and all new appliances! I have to say that despite the inconvenience of switching roommates and the changes involved in that, it's pretty cool to see how the two of them are starting their life together.

So I am now reinventing the wheel with New Roommate. I've never really had a major problem with roommates. Living up in Washington, DC with a just-out-of-college-salary required me to learn quickly how to get along and live with strangers. My favorite roommate was the guy I lived with in DC. I rented a room in his beautifully renovated townhouse for a whopping $800.00/mo (for a ROOM!) To this day, he is someone that I consider to have had a pretty positive impact on my way of thinking. He was very wealthy for starters. He made a boat load working as some type of computer program consultant, but also had a bit of blue blood in him! But you would never know it if you just saw him on the street. He lived a very "under the radar" type of life. He also helped me get a job interview up in NYC at BBDO! Turns out his ex-bf is an AE on the Mountain Dew account! He showed me the ropes of the gay-dc life. He was pretty much like an older brother to me. He now lives in Hells Kitchen in NYC.

After my stint with DC life, I switched jobs and ended up in the suburbs of DC--or "outside the grid" as some of the more pretentious dc gays refer to it.... It was here that I got a chance to live in a $1 million home. I rented a room for $775 and had my own bathroom. It was pretty nice. All of the other roommates were gay (three total), but we all pretty much kept to ourselves and had very different lives.

Then there was one of my most favorite roommate that I had when I lived in Fairfax, a place that is in the deeper part of the suburbs of DC. She and I met when I worked for the agency that I was let go from. She and I have the exact same sense of humor and got along great--which is interesting because I typically don't get along well with girls when I live with them. It's almost always ended on a bad note.

So now there is New Roommate. What can I say!? Well nothing really, because it could easily come back and bite me in the ass! But if you have further interest in getting a feel of what New Roommate is like check out the Arrested Development, and pay particular attention to Buster!

Modern Marvels: We're All Gonna Die

I made the mistake of watching the History Channel's documentary about the prophetic end to time and the world as we know it. Complete with computer animation, ominous music, and a deep-voiced narrator, this macabre infotaining television program informed me of my own demise. My first thought: "well I guess it really won't kill me to have a Wendy's #4, no onions, with a coke because the earth will pretty much swallow me whole!" The "documentary" went on to inform me that the Mayan calendar actually stops on December 12, 2012. There is also an ancient chinese book called the I Ching (not be confused with iching) that also stops on this same date. Scientists have predicted that the earth will engage in a polar shift causing the entire inside of the earth to quake and turn. It's safe to say that after hearing about all of this I was pretty much freaked out because this would all take place when I'm 32!

Then again, there have been prophetic predictions of the world's demise for as long as stupid people are willing to believe other morons. We all remember the Y2K scare!? But to further illustrate this point, here are a list of other dates that world was supposed to have ended, according to an article in the New York Times Magazine by BENJAMIN ANASTAS (7/1/07):

Gnostics predicted the imminent arrival of God’s kingdom as early as the first century
Christians in Europe attacked pagan territories in the north to prepare for the end of the world at the first millennium
The Shakers believed the world would end in 1792
There was a “Great Disappointment” among followers of the Baptist preacher William Miller when Jesus did not return to upstate New York on Oct. 22, 1844.
The Jehovah’s Witnesses have been especially prodigious with prophetic end dates: 1914, 1915, 1918, 1920, 1925, 1941, 1975 and 1994.

I even found the "official website" of the world's end: www.december212012.com And be sure to check out the online store, where you can purchase several well designed t-shirts that say things like 12.21.12 or "Shift Happens"--I wish I could've sat in on that meeting!!! Also available on messenger bags, baseball caps, tank tops, and jersey-shirts that looks like old baseball uniforms. Unbelievable!







I can just picture some dumbass at an amusement park wearing one of these shirts and eating a giant turkey leg!

Blog? What Blog...

So it's been 2 1/2 months...... pretty much all of third quarter since I've blogged. It was a generally shitty quarter, and that's all I have to say about that!


Let's discuss the latest assignment in the Cross-Cultural Innovations class, or CCI--if you want to sound like a government employee, which is always fun for me!!!

So first, some back-story on the class: We have weekly assignments, and we never know what they're going to be. So far, we've had to go to a random place in Atlanta, do some ethnographic research on a classmate (MY FAVORITE!!!!), and bake a cake of our ambition. This is class is amazing! It challenges my thought process on a daily basis.

The assignment that I am currently working on now is by far the biggest and hardest, and has taken me to a place in my emotional mind that I haven't been in a long long time. Basically we have to identify our greatest fear, and come up with a way to make peace with that fear.

FEAR

So my greatest fear is the fear of rejection. Which really comes from feeling that I'm not good enough. This fear has constantly held me back in many ways. But it's affected me most in my approach to relationships, or lack there of. I always pursue relationships from the sidelines and never get into the game. That's got to be the least productive way to do anything. (and maybe one of the most cliched analogies EVER)

AN HONEST SEVEN YEARS

My father's behavior towards me growing up could easily be classified as abusive. I know that it felt like he had destroyed my soul and really taught me how to hate myself. But whenever I start thinking about this, which is happening more frequently these days, I always have to stop and remind myself that my father loves me. I say that because I know I have to. I know that his behavior wasn't malicious, or hateful. It's not like he woke up one day and said, "man I hate my kids, let's see if I can go break their spirits today"..... it just sort of happened, slowly.

If he ever got mad, or stressed out, that emotion would often turn violent or angry very quickly. He would do something to get it out, throw something, hit something, or cuss and then it would be over, and we would act as if it had never happened. For example, one night when I was a senior in high school, he wanted me to write an essay for a scholarship that was being given away by our church. The essay had to be about what God means to me and how religion has influenced my life. I remember thinking that God really didn't mean much to me--it was my father's version of religion that was forced fed to me to the point that it stopped having meaning, and eventually became a chore. It was never about feeling spiritual. So I told him that I wasn't going to write it. He got mad, we both started yelling, and he ended it by slamming my back into the thermostat in the hallway. I don't know if he knew that's what he had done. But he was angry, he had to get it out, so he did. And then went on like nothing had happened.

So the past seven years have been about rebuilding myself and changing the inner dialog I have from my father's voice to my voice. Not a lot of people know this about me. My family knows the least about it. It's hard. And it's because of this rebuilding of myself, that I haven't felt that being in a relationship was the right thing. I've been re-establishing a better relationship with myself. I know I'm a lot better off today then I was this time of year, seven years ago. And I do feel like I have a lot more to offer someone now then before. But this fear of rejection continues to hold me back. So does this mean that I'm going to ask out one of the many guys I find myself attracted to in an effort to move past where I am now, and offer a truce to my fear!? well.... no.... at least I don't feel ready yet. But to be honest, I know there's nothing that can happen to make me feel more ready. All the spray-tan in the world couldn't make me feel ready. It's really just one of those things that you have have to do. It just scares the shit out of me.

Happ Birthday To Me...again

This past Thursday I endured another birthday, my twenty-seventh. It was great because I didn't really do anything for it, and that's just the way I like it. It seems that you're either a big birthday person or you're not. I am definitely not a big birthday person. My favorite thing to do on my birthday is to go out and buy a few things for myself (usually cologne) and then go test drive a car that I'd like to own one day. This year it was supposed to be Land Rover's latest and greatest--the LR2. Unfortunately, my school work took precedence over this demi-tradition of mine, so it has been postponed until I have free time again (probably in the second week of June).

I'm pretty much okay with being twenty-seven. There's always someone older than me that says I'm still just a baby, and then there are the kids who are younger than me that are unable to remember a time when they couldn't sum up their day with an away message on AOL's Instant Messenger and can't fully comprehend how old twenty-seven really is. I'm actually looking forward to being in my 30s. I have this bizarre idea of what my 30s will be like.

I've always pictured myself married to a great guy and we co-own our renovated 1940s Mediterranean bungalow complete with Spanish iron work and tile roof.

We have a Weimaraner named buck or rufus or something like that.

We like to take fun little 3-day weekend trips in our Land Rover LR

or BMW convertible,

or fully restored 1987 Toyota Land Cruiser (that has somehow been turned into a hybrid that doesn't really need gas)


..... perhaps I should prepare myself for an odd reality check that or a watered down version of this well planned out fantasy-life.

L&S: A Look Back

In an earlier post (October 2006), I mentioned an agency that I used to work for and hadn't portrayed it in a very positive light. I recently found out that a potential client of theirs had read that post. While I will not be taking down that post anytime soon, I have realized that I have portrayed myself as nothing more than a disgruntled ex-employee. While there is some truth to that, I feel it's equally important to write about what I learned from my experience at Lyons & Sucher.

I interviewed at L&S while I was a senior in college. I was very eager to get out in the real world, sit at a desk, and make spreadsheets everyday. I eventually started working for them in March 2005. I loved it. It's a small shop, but the work that comes out of there is amazing! Their talented staff is complemented very well by their eagle-eyed creative director, Jane Lyons. Anyone whose ever worked for JL knows that she's a tough person to work for. Not because she's mean, or hateful, but because she demands the very best from her staff, and then maybe a little more beyond that. In order to succeed and survive at L&S, you need to be able to reach within yourself and find the very best you have. And you have to do this every day. I wasn't able to do that during that time of my life. I settled for mediocrity, and didn't try to go beyond that. JL eventually saw this in me and pushed me to do better. I, foolishly, misinterpreted this effort, and did the exact opposite. In other words, I cut off my nose despite my face. That quickly landed me in the unemployment line by the time I was 25. That was probably the lowest point of my life. For about a year after that I carried around a great deal of resentment towards JL and towards that company. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I know that the resentment I felt was really for myself. I had no one to blame for what happened there but me. It was my reaction that dictated the outcome.

Working at L&S also helped me realize that I loved the idea of being a methodical person who likes numbers and spreadsheets, and statistics. But in reality, that stuff puts me to sleep. I am much more content with my life now that I am working in design and creating cool things. Working with the talented staff at L&S helped me find that part of myself. Since I've been at The Portfolio Center, I have turned a complete 180 degrees from where I was in 2005. I'm starting to see a little Jane Lyons in myself and in the work that I'm doing. When I sit down to look at piece I've created, or even when I'm critiquing someone else's work, I try to achieve the level of attention to detail that JL puts into every piece of work that walks out the door of that agency. I'll sometimes daydream about what it would be like if I accidentally ran into her on the street and what I would say. In reality, we would probably pretend not to see each other, so as to avoid an awkward hello. But in my day dream, we would grab an ice cream cone and I would tell her that she really made an influence in my life, and that I was sorry that we parted ways in the worst way possible. I also wonder what it would be like if I worked as a designer for her. If we would be able to get along? If she would finally see that I have found a way to do my very best, and then a little more with every project I work on.

I've recently heard a speaker at Portfolio Center who said you haven't truly lived until you've been fired from a job. I am living proof of that. I will never forget my experience at L&S, and in a strange way I am so thankful for having gone through it. Sure there were days when I couldn't even look at my boss because I was so mad. And there were a few quarks about the job that made it difficult to work well in. But EVERY job you ever have will present these idiosyncrasies, and working at L&S helped me understand how to navigate through them (or how NOT to navigate through them). I met some truly wonderful people through that job and they have all touched my life in ways they may never know.

Thursday F---ing Morning

So last week I accidentally spilled apple juice all over my BRAND NEW macbookpro (the beautiful 17" one). The sheer panic I felt is the type of panic you would feel RIGHT after you just hit someone's car. You wish with all your being that you could redo the last 45 seconds of your life. Man, that's a shitty feeling. So I'm in the process of trying to get that thing fixed. Until then, I will continue to chain myself to my ergonomically awesome work space, and crank out some more work. That said, I'd like to give a little shout out to USAA Insurance for being so awesome with their renter's insurance, as they will cover the cost to replace said computer. I'd also like to give a good ol' FUCK YOU to the representative at APPLE whose inability to answer a simple question ACCURATELY has caused a major headache, and my severe decline in brand loyalty for Apple. Yup, I'm still pretty bitter about this, even though it was totally my negligence that caused this crisis in the first place. But, like my renter's insurance, I thought that buy buying the overpriced AppleCare Portection Plan, that my clumsy ass would be covered.

sigh.

I woke up this morning and realize three wasn't any milk left for my coffee. This is a definite shit-way to start the day. I love coffee in the morning, but i HATE drinking it black. I've been up for maybe 3 hours, and haven't started a single thing! Although writing this blog does make me feel productive. I keep hoping that some little milk-goblin will creep past me with a satchel full of soy milk. I really don't want to get dressed and go to store. That's pretty much the last thing I want to do right now. But I think that's really the ONLY solution to this problem...yup, it's really the only way that I'm going to be able to get milk. Guess I'm done here for now.

To My Mother...

At about 6:00 this morning, I was working on my publication layout while listening to Patty Griffin. There is one song of hers called "Top of The World" that somehow seemed to capture the very essence of my mother's life, at least one aspect of her life. Out of nowhere the song completely brought me to tears and flooded my mind with a million "what ifs" about her life.

I don't know a whole lot about my mother's life, prior to having kids. But the thing I know most about my mother is that she's the strongest person I've ever known. This is something that cannot be taught. I know that she has passed this strength down to me and my siblings. I think it's the strongest common thread, and the greatest gift that my mother has given us.

The sacrifices she made take my breath away, and inspire me to be a better person. She recently told me about a time right after my youngest brother was born. It was December, 1984, and my father was deployed overseas. My mother was pretty much on her own. About a week after coming home from the hospital, there was a bad cold snap that caused the heating in the house to be shut off. Still bleeding and not fully recovered, my mother chopped firewood and moved the furniture around the fireplace to ensure that we would be okay. She did all of this by herself. There is no doubt in my mind that this is just one of infinite personal sacrifices that she has made for her children. I may not truly know what it's like to have this type of dedicated, unconditional love for someone, but I sure as hell am glad to know that my mother does.



My mother is a very private person, and probably doesn't want her personal stories aired in such a public venue. But I can't help but want people to know how proud I am to have her as my mother. She is dynamic and inspirational. She is strong, but vulnerable. She is the inspiration for a lot of the work that I'm doing this quarter.

My father is very lucky to have my mother in his life. And although he may not be the most emotional or romantic person, I can't help but think that his dedication to her is inspired by her dedication to us. I think this is love in its rawest, truest form. It's pure, unconditional dedication. While he may not sweep her off her feet, or engage in huge romantic gestures, my father owes my mother his life. In the same vein that my siblings and I owe my mother our lives. Because my mother put our needs before her own. I don't know how to repay her for this. How do you do that?

Nearing the end of my seven-minute mile

So there's about two weeks left of the quarter and I'm feeling pretty burned out. I'm slowly entering an apathetic state of mind where I watch TV and nap on the couch. It's like when you're running on the treadmill and you've only got 5 minutes left and you're about to complete your third mile and you just keep thinking--well I'm sweaty enough now right? But no, you truly have to push yourself to keep the pace and finish what you started. It's the hardest 5 minutes of the day. I'm about to enter the hardest two weeks EVER.

A lot of my work this quarter has involved an incredible amount of emotionally charged material. I'm very happy with just about every project and look forward to seeing them completed (on time!). But I really hope that releasing this emotional energy will allow my next quarter to be bit more light-hearted and fun.

I think I will indulge in some comfort food: a fat juicy Wendy's #4, no onions, with a coke!